The Perils of Lent

Well it’s either Lent or almost Lent, or, fuck, Lent might even be over by now.  I don’t even know.  Shit, I don’t even care.  But, regardless, Lent is a funny thing.  Millions of Christians, mostly Catholics, give up something as ridiculous as soda or candy for a while.  Why?  To identify with Me and My sacrifice for YOUR SINS.  While those things might be yummy, I don’t think giving up a Snickers bar for a few weeks is equivalent to hanging on a fucking cross, bleeding to death and having My sausage flopping in the wind for all to see.  If you’re one of these pricks, you can follow Vanna’s lead and

eat my taint

You see, I’m a little upset about this.  My sheep are merely giving up things instead of, you know, doing things like helping the poor or helpless.  Or, at the very least, they should be giving Me money.  That helps, too.

Just Because I’m Bored

Sometimes I like to surprise all of you fucks. Gotta keep you in check just so you know I am watching you.

jesusanswer

Fuck that crying statue shit; get out the grilled cheese!

Religious Tolerance is Overrated

Today some lawmakers in Oklahoma (that’s in Jesusland for all of you nasty, smelly foreigners) returned a donated Quran, denouncing it as promoting and condoning the murders of “killing innocent women and children in the name of ideology.” Given the Islamofascists’ agenda to bomb everyone on Earth in order to get some virgins, I don’t blame the lawmakers for appropriately denouncing such barbarism.

After all, My Dad would never permit such things.  To prove it, My Dad and I hereby omit the following parts of the Bible:

jesusgunsdeadThey entered into a covenant to seek the Lord, the God of their fathers, with all their heart and soul; and everyone who would not seek the Lord, the God of Israel, was to be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman. (2 Chronicles 15:12-13 NAB)

From there Elisha went up to Bethel. While he was on his way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him. “Go up baldhead,” they shouted, “go up baldhead!” The prophet turned and saw them, and he cursed them in the name of the Lord. Then two shebears came out of the woods and tore forty two of the children to pieces. (2 Kings 2:23-24 NAB)

The glory of Israel will fly away like a bird, for your children will die at birth or perish in the womb or never even be conceived. Even if your children do survive to grow up, I will take them from you. It will be a terrible day when I turn away and leave you alone. I have watched Israel become as beautiful and pleasant as Tyre. But now Israel will bring out her children to be slaughtered.” O LORD, what should I request for your people? I will ask for wombs that don’t give birth and breasts that give no milk. The LORD says, “All their wickedness began at Gilgal; there I began to hate them. I will drive them from my land because of their evil actions. I will love them no more because all their leaders are rebels. The people of Israel are stricken. Their roots are dried up; they will bear no more fruit. And if they give birth, I will slaughter their beloved children.” (Hosea 9:11-16 NLT)

jesusgun1Anyone who is captured will be run through with a sword. Their little children will be dashed to death right before their eyes. Their homes will be sacked and their wives raped by the attacking hordes. For I will stir up the Medes against Babylon, and no amount of silver or gold will buy them off. The attacking armies will shoot down the young people with arrows. They will have no mercy on helpless babies and will show no compassion for the children. (Isaiah 13:15-18 NLT)

Nanny nanny, poo poo, We’re better than all of you Islamic fucks.

Catholicism’s Fucked Up

In the long fucking line of Christian sects that are really fuckin’ scary, Catholics have to take the cake. That’s right. Not the ones who argue against EVILution. Not the ones who passionately protest the flavor-issue of the week like abortion, homo marriage, or keeping a rotting, dead carcasses of a braindead whore alive. Instead, I think Catholics are the fucking scariest.

scary popeFirst there’s that douchebag Pope who rides around in his molestermobile. What a scary cocksucking son of a bitch. The guy to the right might not be the new Pope — who’s a fuckin’ Nazi, by the way — but he’s scary nonetheless. If this picture doesn’t scream “come here little boys and girls, I want to stick my finger in your butt,” I don’t know what does. Assbandit. That would be a much more appropriate title for this sick bastard.

Pope SantaThen there’s also the fact that in order to get close to kids, he dresses like Santa. Now I don’t know why his friends are hitting him with that golden penis, but I’m sure it’s some sort of pre-molestation, pro-Santa ritual. And what the fuck is up with the guy with the axe in the back? That’s probably to castrate any little boys who don’t want to be fondled. Sick fucks.

And let’s not forget the biggest reason they’re fucked up: it’s part of their service to drink my blood and eat my flesh. I could have sworn cannibalism went out of style at least by the time bellbottoms came around. Apparently not. And even worse, they’re teaching their children eat me as young as age 7! It sickens me to think what body part all of these cocksucking faggots imagine they’re eating.

The next time you see a Catholic, do Me a favor and punch him in the sack in the name of your Lord.

The Atheist Compass

If you hadn’t noticed, I haven’t made a post for a couple days. What happened was I had to see what all the hooplah was about, and I went to see The Golden Compass. For those of you who don’t know, it’s a movie by one of those fucking atheists, and he even said he made it to make children atheists. Well, shit, it worked: I was gone a couple days because the movie converted Me, Jesus Christ, to atheism.

Fortunately atheism entails inherent immorality, so I came back to Christianity (you know, praising Myself) after being in a drunken stupor for a couple days. And not only have I come back to restore My honorable standing as a subdeity, but also warn you about The Golden Compass and its atheist message.

Golden CompassThe Golden Compass gets My vote for the worst movie of the year. It’s full of atheism, drinking, child pornography, and farting. Let Me explain.

See that girl over there on the right?  She’s an atheist.  And that little thing she’s looking into isn’t really a compass: it’s a locket full of pictures of Democrats having sex with aborted fetuses.  Not that aborting fetuses is wrong, but I never said having sex with them is OK.  Quite the opposite, really.

Then there’s drinking.  OK, that one is OK.  I did that a lot.  And it’s fun.  So scratch that one.

We’re down to farting.  I’m not even sure that one was in the movie.  It might have been Me since I ate a lot of chilly dogs before the movie.  But I’m pretty sure the movie contributed to it, and especially the smell, so that still counts as a knock against it.

So don’t go see The Golden Compass or you’ll end up a farting, fetus fucking atheist for a couple days, and you’ll have to rebound to Christianity by incessant drinking.  Not that that’s any different than any other Christian’s day, but it’s one hell of a come-down when the mind control of atheism wears off.

Damn compass o’ porn.

Jesus or Hell

I figure since it’s still the Christmas season, I would remind you that you can either choose Me, Jesus, or Hell. It’s your choice. But to help you out just a bit, here’s a list of things you can do in order to, well, almost ensure your way into being boned by Michael the Archangel at the pearly gates.

Jesus or HellThe first and most obvious is to give Me money. I love money. You’d think as the Son of God that I would have enough, but, as My Dad says, “money don’t grow on trees, You inconsiderate twat.” I die on the cross for Him (and you) and that’s how he treats Me when I ask for allowance. Bastard. So you can give Me money in a few ways, whether it’s giving some cocksucking meth addict like Ted Haggard money or you can buy some merchandise from the Church of Jesus Fucking Christ Shop (Coming Soon).

Or, if you’re poor, GET OFF THE FUCKING COMPUTER AND DIE. Now that I have that out of My system…

Be white.  It’s as easy as that.

Be a woman.  Granted, I am a misogynist, but I need women up here to bone.  Jesus gets a little lonely every now and then.

Lastly, you could also be a hero and join the military to kill poor brown people.  As the southern Jesusland understands, there isn’t much better than the blood of a poor brown person splattering all over his innocent family.  Pure awesomeness.

So there you go.  Sure, I’m cheap and so I didn’t give you anything good like an ornament you didn’t want or lottery tickets, but maybe you can take it to heart and give Me money and kill some brown people.  Hoo-ah!

Evilution Craziness!

Damn evolutionists are at it again. Now they’re in Texas AND Florida trying to stop My wonderful creationist sheep!

Evolution

Also take note that the human is WHITE, as My Dad and I intended all humans to be.

Jesus. Yes, That’s Right: Jesus.

Ever notice that many of My sheep are damn near completely inept? My philosophers rely on fallacies, My priests keep having sex with boys and male prostitutes, and My doctors actually think praying is an adequate way of getting My attention. Let’s add a new profession to the list of retards: marketers.

 

Jesus SignWTF, people?!  “Jesus.”?  It just doesn’t make any sense.  Thanks a lot for putting My fucking name on a billboard, now add some shit up there that, oh, tells them what the fuck they need to do.  Something like: “Jesus.  Give Him your fucking money.”  Or perhaps: “Jesus.  It’s not His fault I fucked your son in the ass.”  I mean, shit, at least give them some direction or a reason to keep reading.