The New Deadly Sins

Okay, so the Vatican (or “The Vat of Filth,” as My Dad and I call it) came out with some new sins. I don’t know if they’re deadly or not, but they are a bunch of crap. They list things like the environment, drugs, genetic manipulation, and a crapload of other bullshit. I have a problem with these people.

lazinesssignFirst of all, they sit there in their mansion, holding their golden chalices, and EAT ME. What the Hell? What right do they have to say others can’t partake in some good ole weed every now and then. After all, My Dad made weed. He didn’t make golden chalices. “Golden chalices don’t grow on trees,” My Dad would tell Me.

Not to mention the whole pedophilia problem Catholicism has. I mean, shit, get your damn priests off of My children, would you? It’s rude to be fucking the little boys before I can. Jesus first, assholes!

And where do they get off (pun not intended) on saying genetic manipulation is a sin? My Dad does that all the time. Makes twins, retards, and brown people. If those aren’t sins, then I don’t see how We wouldn’t allow you guys to do that, too. Hell, you should make more retards; they’re kind of fun to watch running around trying to bite their own ears. If it wasn’t for their entertainment value, We would have aborted them in utero.

So smoke up, make some retards, and shit on your neighbor’s house. It’s all in good fun, and that’s what life is all about.

2 Girls, 1 Chalice

You’re welcome. “For what?” Well, not only for boobs, tacos, and lawnmowing Mexicans, but also for this wonderful idea: 2 girls, 1 chalice. Yes, that’s right: I want you to make a Web site where two girls will take a chalice filled with my peanut-laden dung, and rub it all over their boobies and lick it off of each other. Why? Because apparently you people like that sort of stuff. And so do I.

After all, 2 girls 1 cup is extremely popular, so this would be a great way to spread the Word of My Dad while have some fun poop action. Didn’t you know We like poop? Here’s some evidence via The Dark Bible:

“And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight. And the LORD said, Even thus shall the children of Israel eat their defiled bread among the Gentiles, whither I will drive them.” (Ezekiel 4:12-13)

That sounds like the best fucking barley cakes ever. What the fuck is barley, anyway? Well apparently it has to do with shit.

“But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?” (II Kings 18:27)

Fuck, that sounds like an awesome meal. I know when I’m hungry and I’m all out of negro babies, I go over to the men against the wall and eat their dung and drink their piss. Mmmm… lemony.

“If ye will not hear, and if ye will not lay it to heart, to give glory unto my name, saith the LORD of hosts, I will even send a curse upon you, and I will curse your blessings: yea, I have cursed them already, because ye do not lay it to heart. Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it.” (Malachi 2:2-3)

I like to spread around (pun intended) My fun with feces sometimes by rubbing it on your faces. I usually try to wipe it off by the time you wake up, though.

So, My wonderful sheep, I say unto thee to go and find thy poop and rubbeth it oneth your faces. And eat it. And take this quiz.

In My name, Amen.

I Love Science from Jesusland

So earlier I was taking a break from creating more retards when I came across this wonderful article about some exciting new research out of Jesusland. Using African women as test subjects, they’re researching the efficacy of a new vaginal gel that could reduce or stop the transfer of HIV. But that’s not why I like the research. For that, you’ll have to read on.

The first reason I love this research is that My beloved sheep in Jesusland are using poor brown people as test subjects. That’s fucking awesome. There’s no better test subjects than the poor, brown, retarded, or gay. In fact, that’s why I made them that way: it’s easier to pick out the ones you hate and marginalize them for your benefit. Now THAT’S intelligent design.

The second reason is because this research made the women do the work. Men hate foreplay, and that’s because it takes too fucking long and pussies taste like fermented shrimp piss. By making women use the gel, men can just force her down and fuck the shit out of her. That’s how sex should be.

AIDSThe third and most important reason I love the research, and you’ll recognize this quickly if you read the article, is because despite the inherent danger from HIV, they actually instituted a placebo gel. So while some women were given the real gel, others were given a substance equivalent to air, protecting them from nothing while their black men jizzed in them. And, even better, while the women thought the gel was working and would (or, at the very least, might) protect them. Yummy deception.

So the next time your woman douches with spermicidal Jello, remember to thank all the nice, fuzzy headed negros who came (no pun intended) before your woman to do the research necessary for your pleasure. Of course, I hope your woman isn’t full of AIDS, because the research was a failure.

…not that I had anything to do with that… ::wink::

Age Appropriate Sex

There’s a reason My Dad made certain physical milestones to tell you when you’re allowed to have sex.

pubic hair

Of course, as long as the ages of your partners adds up to something respectable, that counts, too.  After all, three 7s make a 21, right?

Archbishop Burke Loves Little Boys

In St. Louis there’s a situation that’s been going on for years. One of My pedophiles wants to take away a church and make some money off of it; however, My sheep are very resilient and keep bringing in priests to do their services. But with each new priest they bring in, My main pedophile keeps defrocking them.

burkeNormally I don’t take sides. But I think there’s something funny going on here. The Archbishop continually defrocks and excommunicates people in this church. However, the child molesters not only run free, but they’re hidden with My sheep’s money in other congregations. That’s awesome.

So on one hand, we have this overbearing pedophile enabler who is trying to steal this church away from My sheep.  But on the other hand he’s taking money from other congregations, and ultimately this money will be used to hide child molesting priests and pay for a legal defense fund.

This is just another reason why Catholics aren’t My sheep.  Satan can have those bastards.  First they try to eat Me, and now they enable child molestation.

Neat.

Jesus-Induced Abortions

A lot of people think My Dad and I consider abortion immoral. They think so on grounds that the Ten or So Commandments say, “Thou shalt not kill” or some bullshit. But those people are sadly mistaken. In fact, I’m not sure how they can even rationalize that We are anti-abortion after all of the sadistic shit We do to you humans.

abortionThere’s the obvious problem of miscarriages. “Miscarriage” is a nice name for “Jesus-induced abortion.” Feel free to pass that around. If My Dad and I really wanted you to have little fucks running around screaming and crying, We would certainly perform less Jesus-induced abortions. Instead, We abort, oh, somewhere around 80% of all pregnancies, most of which you whores don’t even know about. We’re trying to prolong your hotness, but some of you whores are damn near prodigious with the amount of abuse your vaginas take. Jesus Fucking Christ.

Then there’s also the problem of the success of abortion clinics. You don’t exactly see abortion clinics spontaneously blow up or get struck by lightning or tornadoes. But oddly enough, We do let churches catch on fire quite easily. Figure that one out.

But, honestly, We really do like abortions; it gets rid of a lot of brown people. And all of us Christians, especially in the South, know that brown people are fucking drains on society. The more abortions they have, the less welfare is handed out by those fucking Democrats. And that means more money in my your my pocket.

Praise the Lord, hallelujah, give me $500!

Your Family is Incestuous.. Trust Me

Yes, that’s right: your family is incestuous. A long time ago your dad slept with his grandmother, and out came his sonbrother. Or a daughtersister. Probably even a hermaphrodite or two. But regardless, your family is fucked up. And you can blame My Dad for that.

After all, the Bible sanctions incestuous relationships. And this isn’t alluding to the daughters who raped their drunk dad. Everyone knows that story. What I’m referring to goes back even further, to the start of the human race species hmm… humanity. I’m taking you back to Adam and Eve (who were white, by the way).

incest

Cane and Abe had sex with their mother.  And thus their children were their childsiblings.  And then those childsiblings were further incestuous by fucking their momsiblings, grandmothersisters, and all sorts of nice sexy terms I can’t even reach my caucasian head around.  It was an incestuous orgy of Biblical proportions.

And it was beautiful.  I’ve since encouraged more of you sheep to continue in this incestuous tradition, but it seems only the southern Jesusland still likes it.  That’s too bad, as the only way you can get closer to God is by getting closer to your family.  If you know what I mean.

So at your next family reunion, be crazy and go for that hot cousin or aunt or, hell, your own dad.  And if they act surprised, you whip out that Bible and explain to them that Caucasian Jesus said it was “a-OK by him!”  I’ll be there to back you up.  Just ignore my camera.

Boning One for the Team

While My Dad and I are generally against sex, there are some times where We see it as permissible. Like with hot chicks. That’s always great. And girls with big tits. Also great. But ugly and fat girls should only be boned on a need-to basis, which is usually only to keep them away from the buffet long enough so the rest of the population can eat.

Jabba The HuttWe’ve all been there. You’re out with your friends, drunk, probably high on weed and/or ecstasy (you ugly guys better thank Me for that one), and all the hot girls have vaginas that could be mistaken for window curtains made out of roast beef. But in an act of self-preservation, you need something to fuck so you don’t get blue balls. And your only non-diseased option is to boink a fat chick.

Fortunately for the fat whores I have performed yet another miracle: I magically make the guy’s dick a few feet long to get past the fat rolls. I mean, c’mon, you’re taking a risk in the first place by placing your naked body in the way of two whale-sized legs, so I gave you guys a little credit in the form of a penis extension.

And for the record, My Dad and I don’t make fat chicks. No one is created that way. And it’s not their fault, either; Satan is pumping them full of evil jizz every night. Take a look at a fat person’s asshole; it’s riddled with horny, little demons. Don’t let those doctors tell you they’re STDs, either; believe the Bible for fuck’s sake.

So the next time you see some skinny ass cracker holding the hand of a fat bitch that could be easily mistaken for a manatee, stop and thank him for his sacrifice. In Jesus My name. Amen.

Yeah, We Do Hate Shrimp

Those fucks over at God Hates Shrimp think they’re being funny by coming out to My sheep’s protests against homo marriages. What they don’t realize is that despite their horrid attempt at wit and satire, I truly hate shrimp. Know why? They smell like vaginas.

God hates shrimpAnd, in case you don’t remember, I don’t like vaginas. Not only do they smell like shrimp, but they don’t look all that aesthetically pleasing, either. Much like a retarded clam, really. That’s why My Dad and I have demanded Our minions sheep encourage abstinence. We don’t want anyone getting too close to one of those nasty, little things and losing a finger.

Despite the Bible’s depiction of My birth, My Mom didn’t even have a vagina. I was actually born from her ass. “Gross,” you might say, but at least I didn’t come out smelling like rotting seafood.

So here’s a big FUCK YOU to all of you pro-homo God Hates Shrimp pricks. And stay away from vaginas.