I Love Science from Jesusland

So earlier I was taking a break from creating more retards when I came across this wonderful article about some exciting new research out of Jesusland. Using African women as test subjects, they’re researching the efficacy of a new vaginal gel that could reduce or stop the transfer of HIV. But that’s not why I like the research. For that, you’ll have to read on.

The first reason I love this research is that My beloved sheep in Jesusland are using poor brown people as test subjects. That’s fucking awesome. There’s no better test subjects than the poor, brown, retarded, or gay. In fact, that’s why I made them that way: it’s easier to pick out the ones you hate and marginalize them for your benefit. Now THAT’S intelligent design.

The second reason is because this research made the women do the work. Men hate foreplay, and that’s because it takes too fucking long and pussies taste like fermented shrimp piss. By making women use the gel, men can just force her down and fuck the shit out of her. That’s how sex should be.

AIDSThe third and most important reason I love the research, and you’ll recognize this quickly if you read the article, is because despite the inherent danger from HIV, they actually instituted a placebo gel. So while some women were given the real gel, others were given a substance equivalent to air, protecting them from nothing while their black men jizzed in them. And, even better, while the women thought the gel was working and would (or, at the very least, might) protect them. Yummy deception.

So the next time your woman douches with spermicidal Jello, remember to thank all the nice, fuzzy headed negros who came (no pun intended) before your woman to do the research necessary for your pleasure. Of course, I hope your woman isn’t full of AIDS, because the research was a failure.

…not that I had anything to do with that… ::wink::

The Results are In!

…and they’re largely disappointing. Despite being forecast as the Democratic presidential nominee, Hillary came in third to the Muslim and Whitie McWhitiewhite. That’s a blow to the dyke, and I doubt we’ll be seeing any more blowjobs in the White House. On the other hand, there was some good news: Mike Huckabee, the Baptist minister, won the Republican bid. Fuckin a.

Mike HuckabeeAs you know, I don’t support the Republicans since they’re running a faux pro-life agenda. And, in stark contrast to their beliefs, I’m pro-abortion. But regardless, I’m willing to support Huckabee for a few reasons:

First, he’s a minister.  And he has a lot of sheep, apparently.  He wants to bring back this nation to Me, Jesus, and My Dad.  That’s pretty neat, too.  If he’s elected President, I’m pretty sure I’ll meet My goal in donations for the next four or so years.  That way My dad will stop bitching at Me for spending all of His money.

I also like him because, like Ted Haggard, he’s a meth smoking closet homosexual.  Just you guys haven’t found that out yet.  Don’t worry; it’s coming.

Last, I like him because he plays dirty.  Fuck that clean shit that Obama does; I want my politicians in the dirt, rolling around naked with their wangs all hanging out.  Cross that last part out.. I just went a bit far.  All I’m trying to say is I want some shit flying through the air.  That’s why My Dad and I put that nasty shit in the Bible.. makes it much more interesting.

So thank you, thank you, thank you sheep for coming out to the polls today and doing your best.  Sure, you failed by letting a brown person win, but My racist sheep will certainly not let that dirty Muslim win the presidential election.

Bring Back Segregation

Desegregation is overrated. After all, as My Dad and I said in the Bible, we should kill nonbelievers, brown people, homosexuals, and marketing professionals. If you didn’t know that, read the fucking Bible a bit closer. Prick. But anyway, I think it would be prudent for Jesusland to go back to the pre-civil rights era and take away the rights of those who are obviously sinning against the Bible.

In an effort to cut down on misunderstandings, I’m going to lump all of the sinners we’ll be segregating from our peaceful, Christian nation into “Atheists.” Why? Because, if you fucking read what I just wrote, the Bible is anti-brown people, homosexuals, and atheists. So we can lump them together since they obviously can’t be Christian. There aren’t any niggers, spics, faggots, or pencil-dicked atheists in My churches. Fuck those assholes.

Segregated Drinking FountainSo let’s start the segregation, My good sheep. We’ll make them live in slums (if they don’t already), ride in the back of the buses, drink from different drinking fountains (that will be broken, of course), and they’ll eat our shit. OK, that last one doesn’t have to do with segregation, really.. it would just be demeaning and show our white Christian power. Fuckin’ a.

If you ever see any of these sinners, let them know that Caucasian Jesus is in town and He is the ruler of Jesusland. Soon there will be a reckoning of Heavenly proportions, and then they will eat our shit. And those other things. Amen.

Silly Heteros, HIV is for Gays!

Another African Catholic bishop has come out against condoms by saying that they lead to the transmission of HIV. Not only that, but that European condom companies are intentionally putting HIV on the condoms. That’s pretty fuckin’ awesome. I like this measure, as it does two things at once: infects poor brown people (who the fuck needs them?) and also gets people to stop using condoms (since everyone knows Caucasian Jesus is a fan of the creampie).

Catholics take the view that all contraceptive use is a sin. That is, unless it’s birth control (which induces abortions), since that’s more convenient than other methods. But I can’t seem to remember which part of the Bible says, “Thou shalt not put rubber around your junk so you don’t jizz in your bitch.” Anyway, I’m not wholly against this measure.

Disapproving JesusWe all know that HIV transmission only goes to homos, and we want them out of our society. They’re all closet pedophiles and have huge sex parties, unlike heterosexuals. And plus, if we allow them to marry, then we have to allow dogs and cats and children and blacks to marry, too. Fuck that.

Plus, there’s the whole sanctity of marriage thing, too. While divorce between heteros is bad enough, imagine homo domestic disputes! You’re sitting there in your tamale sauce-stained wifebeater t-shirt from Walmart watching Cops, and suddenly there’s a leather-wearing bondage queen running around with his dick all hanging out while he’s trying to pull the hair off of his gay lover. Fucking sick.

I think a point these Catholics and even Christians in general forget is that My Dad and I put HIV on Earth on purpose. Putting it on a condom or spooging in your child’s butt a few days in a row won’t result in them getting AIDS unless We want them to. If We didn’t want them to, We would perform a much heralded miracle and keep them from getting AIDS. But We don’t. Read into it, motherfuckers.