Back from the Shineese Earthquake

Well I obviously haven’t written in a while, and I swear I have a good reason for it: I’ve been helping those poor folks over in Shine-a after My Dad sharted and an earthquake rattled the shit out of them. Really, it took me a few days to realize they had even been hit; My Dad and I laughed our fucking heads off at the sound of that thing. Best. Fart. Ever.

Sichuan Earthquake 2008Despite being on the front line and trying to pull people out of the rubble, none of them seem to see Me through their squinty chink eyes. Makes Me feel sad, but that’s what they get for rubbing Buddha’s stomach for good luck. Or an orgasm. Or whatever they rub him for.

We do regret the destruction, though. Ever since it happened I haven’t been able to find a good plate of General Tso’s “Chicken”/dog. That shit hits the spot.

So you can thank spicy Mexican food for the Chinese earthquake. Next Thursday We’re having Polish food, so you better be ready.

Also, look for some upcoming cyclones after We eat bad Russian food. Gives Us both diarrhea. And just in case you guys have any rain with a reddish tint, that’s just My Mom’s cooch still bleeding from being raped by My Dad. Just kidding: she’s still a virgin!

The New Deadly Sins

Okay, so the Vatican (or “The Vat of Filth,” as My Dad and I call it) came out with some new sins. I don’t know if they’re deadly or not, but they are a bunch of crap. They list things like the environment, drugs, genetic manipulation, and a crapload of other bullshit. I have a problem with these people.

lazinesssignFirst of all, they sit there in their mansion, holding their golden chalices, and EAT ME. What the Hell? What right do they have to say others can’t partake in some good ole weed every now and then. After all, My Dad made weed. He didn’t make golden chalices. “Golden chalices don’t grow on trees,” My Dad would tell Me.

Not to mention the whole pedophilia problem Catholicism has. I mean, shit, get your damn priests off of My children, would you? It’s rude to be fucking the little boys before I can. Jesus first, assholes!

And where do they get off (pun not intended) on saying genetic manipulation is a sin? My Dad does that all the time. Makes twins, retards, and brown people. If those aren’t sins, then I don’t see how We wouldn’t allow you guys to do that, too. Hell, you should make more retards; they’re kind of fun to watch running around trying to bite their own ears. If it wasn’t for their entertainment value, We would have aborted them in utero.

So smoke up, make some retards, and shit on your neighbor’s house. It’s all in good fun, and that’s what life is all about.

What’s So Bad About Global Warming?

One of the Democrats’ strongest messages is that you must save the Earth from supposedly impending destruction due to pollution, overuse of resources, and other retarded environmentalist jargon. If they don’t shut up, I’m going to stick My carbon footprint right up their asses.

Global WarmingSure, it’s true. I’ll give them that. The reason global warming exists is absolutely because of industrial pollution, cutting down rain forests, and factory farming. But, really, what’s so bad about global warming? REJOICE! The end is near! The quicker you end life on Earth, the quicker all of you can come up here and join Me and My Dad in Heaven. That’s right!

Don’t give into the organic revolution. You can either pay 50%+ more for healthy foods or else you can save that money and give it to your church on Sunday. Which is better? Giving to the church, of course! Fuck local farmers; we need more factory farms with cages barely large enough to hold the animals. They’re better off like that. Actually, they like it. Whenever you guys kill those animals with the stun guns or by boiling them alive, they come up here and tell Me how awesome it was. Truly.

Hell, just fuck the vegetables. Only poor people eat those, and that’s because they’re already down on their knees giving you blowjobs. So fuck them. Just drive around in your Hummers eating grade D meat fried in piss made out of transfat. That’s what My Dad and I wanted you to do. It’s in the Bible. Don’t believe Me? Look it up!

Peace be to all of you in the new year!