My faithful Republicans have scored another point with Me, Caucasian Jesus, by introducing a bill or some shit that basically says Christmas is fuckin’ awesome and Christians are awesome while atheists, liberals, brown people, and people of other faiths are fucking retarded, dick-sucking, shit-eating, shrimp-smelling ball lickers. Yay for Republicans!
My birthday is awesome. Who else has a birthday where everyone spends oodles of money they don’t have to give you gifts you don’t want? Ok… sounds a little like Easter or maybe even Halloween, but none of them come close to the awesome commercialization that My birthday has attained.
Fortunately the Republicans put down other pressing issues like the national debt, children’s health insurance, and the housing fall-out and instead are pressing forward with a most glorifying bill honoring My birthday.
I do take up an issue with one part of the bill, though. In the big, boring whereas section, it says, “Whereas there are approximately 2,000,000,000 Christians throughout the world, making Christianity the largest religion in the world and the religion of about one-third of the world population;” but then later goes on to say, “(5) rejects bigotry and persecution directed against Christians, both in the United States and worldwide”. Here’s my problem:
First, I went through a lot of persecution when, you know, Christianity wasn’t the most popular thing in the world. Hell, they nailed Me to some fucking wood and kept Me outside for days while My thing flopped around in the wind. I didn’t have that little loin cloth the Christians like to pose Me with.
And, even more importantly, who the fuck is persecuting My Christians if they’re the most common religious group around? I mean, shit, it’s not like they’re fucking Native Americans or pagans or some shit. Except those Catholics, who still can’t explain how I’m supposedly My Dad and whatever the fuck the “spirit” is in some sort of holy orgy. Fuck that.
So I appreciate the kind bill, My good Christian Republicans. I’ll overlook my concerns for the establishment of a theocracy in Jesusland. Blessed be to you, My hypocritical sinners, for all most a few will be forgiven at the pearly gates.