The Future is Stepford

Well, I think it’s safe to say that Hillary has officially lost the November election for all Democrats, even when Obama will be the candidate.  Her awesome Bush-like attitude has now turned off all non-vaginaed voters, and My sheep will vote for McCain instead.  This isn’t necessarily a bad thing; after all, he hates brown people, too.  But even better…

…Jesusland will be the new Stepford.  If you have no idea what I’m talking about, open your fucking eyes and read a book every now and then.  Or at least rent the movie: The Stepford Wives.  It’s an awesome book whereby the men take control over their bitches’ minds and make them do all sorts of nasty things like toss their salads.  OK, maybe that last part didn’t happen, but it certainly should have.

Don’t believe Me that McCain won’t turn Jesusland into Stepford?

McCain's Wife

 

Either she’s already a Stepford wife or she has the tightest cunt known to man.

I Love Science from Jesusland

So earlier I was taking a break from creating more retards when I came across this wonderful article about some exciting new research out of Jesusland. Using African women as test subjects, they’re researching the efficacy of a new vaginal gel that could reduce or stop the transfer of HIV. But that’s not why I like the research. For that, you’ll have to read on.

The first reason I love this research is that My beloved sheep in Jesusland are using poor brown people as test subjects. That’s fucking awesome. There’s no better test subjects than the poor, brown, retarded, or gay. In fact, that’s why I made them that way: it’s easier to pick out the ones you hate and marginalize them for your benefit. Now THAT’S intelligent design.

The second reason is because this research made the women do the work. Men hate foreplay, and that’s because it takes too fucking long and pussies taste like fermented shrimp piss. By making women use the gel, men can just force her down and fuck the shit out of her. That’s how sex should be.

AIDSThe third and most important reason I love the research, and you’ll recognize this quickly if you read the article, is because despite the inherent danger from HIV, they actually instituted a placebo gel. So while some women were given the real gel, others were given a substance equivalent to air, protecting them from nothing while their black men jizzed in them. And, even better, while the women thought the gel was working and would (or, at the very least, might) protect them. Yummy deception.

So the next time your woman douches with spermicidal Jello, remember to thank all the nice, fuzzy headed negros who came (no pun intended) before your woman to do the research necessary for your pleasure. Of course, I hope your woman isn’t full of AIDS, because the research was a failure.

…not that I had anything to do with that… ::wink::

What’s Wrong with Huckabee?

I’m getting a bit pissed off at you people for not voting in Huckabee. I mean, shit, he loves Me. And My Dad. Maybe even My Mom. But, more importantly, he wants to instill the Bible into everyone in Jesusland. And that’s a-OK with Me.

huckabeeAs you all know, I support Huckabee even though he’s pro-life. I generally don’t like pro-lifers, as I love abortion. But Huckabee wants to turn what is now the United States of America into Jesusland. I need more sheep. Preferably not the poor ones who usually follow Me; I want some rich motherfuckers. So I can buy a Wii.

I’d also like to announce that I’m no longer for Hilary.  I respect the lies against Obama, but I’m getting pissed off that she continues to look like a dyke.  Can’t have that in Jesusland.  Unless she’s hot, but she’s not, so she’ll burn in Hell.

Praise be to Me.

Archbishop Burke Loves Little Boys

In St. Louis there’s a situation that’s been going on for years. One of My pedophiles wants to take away a church and make some money off of it; however, My sheep are very resilient and keep bringing in priests to do their services. But with each new priest they bring in, My main pedophile keeps defrocking them.

burkeNormally I don’t take sides. But I think there’s something funny going on here. The Archbishop continually defrocks and excommunicates people in this church. However, the child molesters not only run free, but they’re hidden with My sheep’s money in other congregations. That’s awesome.

So on one hand, we have this overbearing pedophile enabler who is trying to steal this church away from My sheep.  But on the other hand he’s taking money from other congregations, and ultimately this money will be used to hide child molesting priests and pay for a legal defense fund.

This is just another reason why Catholics aren’t My sheep.  Satan can have those bastards.  First they try to eat Me, and now they enable child molestation.

Neat.

Your Family is Incestuous.. Trust Me

Yes, that’s right: your family is incestuous. A long time ago your dad slept with his grandmother, and out came his sonbrother. Or a daughtersister. Probably even a hermaphrodite or two. But regardless, your family is fucked up. And you can blame My Dad for that.

After all, the Bible sanctions incestuous relationships. And this isn’t alluding to the daughters who raped their drunk dad. Everyone knows that story. What I’m referring to goes back even further, to the start of the human race species hmm… humanity. I’m taking you back to Adam and Eve (who were white, by the way).

incest

Cane and Abe had sex with their mother.  And thus their children were their childsiblings.  And then those childsiblings were further incestuous by fucking their momsiblings, grandmothersisters, and all sorts of nice sexy terms I can’t even reach my caucasian head around.  It was an incestuous orgy of Biblical proportions.

And it was beautiful.  I’ve since encouraged more of you sheep to continue in this incestuous tradition, but it seems only the southern Jesusland still likes it.  That’s too bad, as the only way you can get closer to God is by getting closer to your family.  If you know what I mean.

So at your next family reunion, be crazy and go for that hot cousin or aunt or, hell, your own dad.  And if they act surprised, you whip out that Bible and explain to them that Caucasian Jesus said it was “a-OK by him!”  I’ll be there to back you up.  Just ignore my camera.

Jesusland Loves Christmas!

My faithful Republicans have scored another point with Me, Caucasian Jesus, by introducing a bill or some shit that basically says Christmas is fuckin’ awesome and Christians are awesome while atheists, liberals, brown people, and people of other faiths are fucking retarded, dick-sucking, shit-eating, shrimp-smelling ball lickers. Yay for Republicans!

Santa ChristMy birthday is awesome. Who else has a birthday where everyone spends oodles of money they don’t have to give you gifts you don’t want? Ok… sounds a little like Easter or maybe even Halloween, but none of them come close to the awesome commercialization that My birthday has attained.

Fortunately the Republicans put down other pressing issues like the national debt, children’s health insurance, and the housing fall-out and instead are pressing forward with a most glorifying bill honoring My birthday.

I do take up an issue with one part of the bill, though. In the big, boring whereas section, it says, “Whereas there are approximately 2,000,000,000 Christians throughout the world, making Christianity the largest religion in the world and the religion of about one-third of the world population;” but then later goes on to say, “(5) rejects bigotry and persecution directed against Christians, both in the United States and worldwide”. Here’s my problem:

First, I went through a lot of persecution when, you know, Christianity wasn’t the most popular thing in the world. Hell, they nailed Me to some fucking wood and kept Me outside for days while My thing flopped around in the wind. I didn’t have that little loin cloth the Christians like to pose Me with.

And, even more importantly, who the fuck is persecuting My Christians if they’re the most common religious group around? I mean, shit, it’s not like they’re fucking Native Americans or pagans or some shit. Except those Catholics, who still can’t explain how I’m supposedly My Dad and whatever the fuck the “spirit” is in some sort of holy orgy. Fuck that.

So I appreciate the kind bill, My good Christian Republicans. I’ll overlook my concerns for the establishment of a theocracy in Jesusland. Blessed be to you, My hypocritical sinners, for all most a few will be forgiven at the pearly gates.

So a Jew and a Muslim Walk into a Train…

Everyone’s heard that one before, right? Only this time it’s a true story coming out of My beloved Jesusland; even better, it’s from New York. That’s the home of the liberal, atheist, closet dyke, Hilary Clinton. Anyway, some of My outstanding sheep were spreading the love of My upcoming birthday, when a big-nosed Jew replied, “Happy Ccccccchhhanukkah!” And they appropriately laid the Christian smackdown on this beotch.

Ronald McDonald bitch slapDon’t wait there, though; the story gets better. A turbin-wearing terrorist who I’m pretty sure had like sixty bombs strapped to him jumps into the frey, defending the money-grubbing Jew, and also gets the smackdown. They felt the wrath of Jesus upon their big-nosed, turban-wearing beings. And I enjoyed every bit of it. In case you needed a visual, I included this picture where My good friend Ronald McDonald is slapping the shit out of this filty Mexican kid.

Unfortunately, some liberal bystanders turned the blessed Christians in to the atheist police department, and now they’re awaiting trial for charges of something like assault. Bullshit! They were defending My birthday, which is celebrated by, you know, like everyone in My fucking Jesusland. The government should release them and have statues made of them holding the Ten Commandments and display them outside every courthouse.

Meanwhile, they should probably deport those fucks back to Turbinistan and Jewland, respectively.

Jesus or Hell

I figure since it’s still the Christmas season, I would remind you that you can either choose Me, Jesus, or Hell. It’s your choice. But to help you out just a bit, here’s a list of things you can do in order to, well, almost ensure your way into being boned by Michael the Archangel at the pearly gates.

Jesus or HellThe first and most obvious is to give Me money. I love money. You’d think as the Son of God that I would have enough, but, as My Dad says, “money don’t grow on trees, You inconsiderate twat.” I die on the cross for Him (and you) and that’s how he treats Me when I ask for allowance. Bastard. So you can give Me money in a few ways, whether it’s giving some cocksucking meth addict like Ted Haggard money or you can buy some merchandise from the Church of Jesus Fucking Christ Shop (Coming Soon).

Or, if you’re poor, GET OFF THE FUCKING COMPUTER AND DIE. Now that I have that out of My system…

Be white.  It’s as easy as that.

Be a woman.  Granted, I am a misogynist, but I need women up here to bone.  Jesus gets a little lonely every now and then.

Lastly, you could also be a hero and join the military to kill poor brown people.  As the southern Jesusland understands, there isn’t much better than the blood of a poor brown person splattering all over his innocent family.  Pure awesomeness.

So there you go.  Sure, I’m cheap and so I didn’t give you anything good like an ornament you didn’t want or lottery tickets, but maybe you can take it to heart and give Me money and kill some brown people.  Hoo-ah!

Voting in Iowa

Well it’s that time of the year again: yes, when a few states decide who all of Jesusland will be voting for in the next election. Lesbian Clinton, Muslim Obama, and Caucasian Edwards is in the pot for the Democrats’ side; St. Michael Huckabee, Mormon Romney, and John McStiff are in the Republican pool. So who does Jesus endorse, you might wonder?

Hillary ClintonHillary Clinton!  Yes, that’s right: I’m endorsing the blond-haired dyke who’s the Democratic equivalent of ole Gee Dubbya.  Why?

Well, first, I knocked out all of the Republicans.  They’re pro-life, and I’ve repeatedly said that I’m actually pro-abortion.  In fact, I think there needs to be more of them.

Then, Republicans are also pro-death penalty.  I might be pro-gun and anti-brown people, but I’m actually anti-capital punishment.  You’d think the fact that I was killed using capital punishment would give Republicans a good idea that I’m against it, but apparently not.  Oh well.

So now that we’ve knocked out Republicans, why did I choose Hillary?  Well, for a few reasons.

First, going back to the abortion issue, she sort of looks like an aborted fetus.  Her piercing eyes, dyke hair, and discombobulated body; all signs of being an aborted fetus.  That’s a plus.

If that wasn’t enough, I also like the fact that she’s a submissive whore who stayed with Bill Clinton after he got blown by a fat chick.  Some would call that commitment; I call it knowing she won’t get anyone else considering her aborted fetus-like looks.

So if you’re lucky enough to live in Iowa, I fully expect all Democrats to vote for Hillary.  And, if you’re unlucky enough to be a Republican, I would suggest voting for Romney since his religion says you should be able to fuck a bunch of 14 year old girls.  That’s pretty sweet.

The Results are In!

…and they’re largely disappointing. Despite being forecast as the Democratic presidential nominee, Hillary came in third to the Muslim and Whitie McWhitiewhite. That’s a blow to the dyke, and I doubt we’ll be seeing any more blowjobs in the White House. On the other hand, there was some good news: Mike Huckabee, the Baptist minister, won the Republican bid. Fuckin a.

Mike HuckabeeAs you know, I don’t support the Republicans since they’re running a faux pro-life agenda. And, in stark contrast to their beliefs, I’m pro-abortion. But regardless, I’m willing to support Huckabee for a few reasons:

First, he’s a minister.  And he has a lot of sheep, apparently.  He wants to bring back this nation to Me, Jesus, and My Dad.  That’s pretty neat, too.  If he’s elected President, I’m pretty sure I’ll meet My goal in donations for the next four or so years.  That way My dad will stop bitching at Me for spending all of His money.

I also like him because, like Ted Haggard, he’s a meth smoking closet homosexual.  Just you guys haven’t found that out yet.  Don’t worry; it’s coming.

Last, I like him because he plays dirty.  Fuck that clean shit that Obama does; I want my politicians in the dirt, rolling around naked with their wangs all hanging out.  Cross that last part out.. I just went a bit far.  All I’m trying to say is I want some shit flying through the air.  That’s why My Dad and I put that nasty shit in the Bible.. makes it much more interesting.

So thank you, thank you, thank you sheep for coming out to the polls today and doing your best.  Sure, you failed by letting a brown person win, but My racist sheep will certainly not let that dirty Muslim win the presidential election.