What’s So Bad About Global Warming?

One of the Democrats’ strongest messages is that you must save the Earth from supposedly impending destruction due to pollution, overuse of resources, and other retarded environmentalist jargon. If they don’t shut up, I’m going to stick My carbon footprint right up their asses.

Global WarmingSure, it’s true. I’ll give them that. The reason global warming exists is absolutely because of industrial pollution, cutting down rain forests, and factory farming. But, really, what’s so bad about global warming? REJOICE! The end is near! The quicker you end life on Earth, the quicker all of you can come up here and join Me and My Dad in Heaven. That’s right!

Don’t give into the organic revolution. You can either pay 50%+ more for healthy foods or else you can save that money and give it to your church on Sunday. Which is better? Giving to the church, of course! Fuck local farmers; we need more factory farms with cages barely large enough to hold the animals. They’re better off like that. Actually, they like it. Whenever you guys kill those animals with the stun guns or by boiling them alive, they come up here and tell Me how awesome it was. Truly.

Hell, just fuck the vegetables. Only poor people eat those, and that’s because they’re already down on their knees giving you blowjobs. So fuck them. Just drive around in your Hummers eating grade D meat fried in piss made out of transfat. That’s what My Dad and I wanted you to do. It’s in the Bible. Don’t believe Me? Look it up!

Peace be to all of you in the new year!

Bring Back Segregation

Desegregation is overrated. After all, as My Dad and I said in the Bible, we should kill nonbelievers, brown people, homosexuals, and marketing professionals. If you didn’t know that, read the fucking Bible a bit closer. Prick. But anyway, I think it would be prudent for Jesusland to go back to the pre-civil rights era and take away the rights of those who are obviously sinning against the Bible.

In an effort to cut down on misunderstandings, I’m going to lump all of the sinners we’ll be segregating from our peaceful, Christian nation into “Atheists.” Why? Because, if you fucking read what I just wrote, the Bible is anti-brown people, homosexuals, and atheists. So we can lump them together since they obviously can’t be Christian. There aren’t any niggers, spics, faggots, or pencil-dicked atheists in My churches. Fuck those assholes.

Segregated Drinking FountainSo let’s start the segregation, My good sheep. We’ll make them live in slums (if they don’t already), ride in the back of the buses, drink from different drinking fountains (that will be broken, of course), and they’ll eat our shit. OK, that last one doesn’t have to do with segregation, really.. it would just be demeaning and show our white Christian power. Fuckin’ a.

If you ever see any of these sinners, let them know that Caucasian Jesus is in town and He is the ruler of Jesusland. Soon there will be a reckoning of Heavenly proportions, and then they will eat our shit. And those other things. Amen.