The New Deadly Sins

Okay, so the Vatican (or “The Vat of Filth,” as My Dad and I call it) came out with some new sins. I don’t know if they’re deadly or not, but they are a bunch of crap. They list things like the environment, drugs, genetic manipulation, and a crapload of other bullshit. I have a problem with these people.

lazinesssignFirst of all, they sit there in their mansion, holding their golden chalices, and EAT ME. What the Hell? What right do they have to say others can’t partake in some good ole weed every now and then. After all, My Dad made weed. He didn’t make golden chalices. “Golden chalices don’t grow on trees,” My Dad would tell Me.

Not to mention the whole pedophilia problem Catholicism has. I mean, shit, get your damn priests off of My children, would you? It’s rude to be fucking the little boys before I can. Jesus first, assholes!

And where do they get off (pun not intended) on saying genetic manipulation is a sin? My Dad does that all the time. Makes twins, retards, and brown people. If those aren’t sins, then I don’t see how We wouldn’t allow you guys to do that, too. Hell, you should make more retards; they’re kind of fun to watch running around trying to bite their own ears. If it wasn’t for their entertainment value, We would have aborted them in utero.

So smoke up, make some retards, and shit on your neighbor’s house. It’s all in good fun, and that’s what life is all about.

2 Girls, 1 Chalice

You’re welcome. “For what?” Well, not only for boobs, tacos, and lawnmowing Mexicans, but also for this wonderful idea: 2 girls, 1 chalice. Yes, that’s right: I want you to make a Web site where two girls will take a chalice filled with my peanut-laden dung, and rub it all over their boobies and lick it off of each other. Why? Because apparently you people like that sort of stuff. And so do I.

After all, 2 girls 1 cup is extremely popular, so this would be a great way to spread the Word of My Dad while have some fun poop action. Didn’t you know We like poop? Here’s some evidence via The Dark Bible:

“And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight. And the LORD said, Even thus shall the children of Israel eat their defiled bread among the Gentiles, whither I will drive them.” (Ezekiel 4:12-13)

That sounds like the best fucking barley cakes ever. What the fuck is barley, anyway? Well apparently it has to do with shit.

“But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?” (II Kings 18:27)

Fuck, that sounds like an awesome meal. I know when I’m hungry and I’m all out of negro babies, I go over to the men against the wall and eat their dung and drink their piss. Mmmm… lemony.

“If ye will not hear, and if ye will not lay it to heart, to give glory unto my name, saith the LORD of hosts, I will even send a curse upon you, and I will curse your blessings: yea, I have cursed them already, because ye do not lay it to heart. Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it.” (Malachi 2:2-3)

I like to spread around (pun intended) My fun with feces sometimes by rubbing it on your faces. I usually try to wipe it off by the time you wake up, though.

So, My wonderful sheep, I say unto thee to go and find thy poop and rubbeth it oneth your faces. And eat it. And take this quiz.

In My name, Amen.

Pope Nazi’s Take on Human Dignity

Pope Nazi took a break from eating Me to tell the world that some scientific progress has “shattered” human dignity. The science listed in that category includes embryonic stem cell research and artificial insemination. As usual, Pope Nazi wasn’t taking into consideration the thoughts of Me and My Dad. So here’s a letter to him:

Dear Pope Nazi,

This is Jesus. Yes, that’s right: Jesus. Surprised to hear from Me? Why? You claim to hear Me all the time. But apparently not this time.

See, I have a problem with your comments on human dignity. Let’s take embryonic stem cell research, for example. Since you claim to hear Me, you’d know that I love abortion. After all, no one aborts embryos and fetuses at the rate of My Dad and I. And stemming from the research comes the issue of cloning. My sheep tends to think I’m against cloning, but that isn’t true either: My Dad and I are also the prime cause of twins, triplets, and so on. So if We didn’t like cloning, We wouldn’t do it at all.

Then there’s artificial insemination. Not sure what your beef is on this issue, bud. But considering We are anti-sex (and you are, too), I don’t see why sticking a needle up a woman’s vag is such a bad thing. Much better than a hairy penis.

If you want to talk about shattering human dignity, I’d like to bring up a number of other issues. Like molesting altar boys. Or moving molesters to other parishes. And not telling the police. And paying off victims so they be quiet.

Oh, wait, that stuff is OK. Right?

So shut the fuck up, Nazi. Leave the talkin’ to Me.

In My name,

Jesus

Jesus-Induced Abortions

A lot of people think My Dad and I consider abortion immoral. They think so on grounds that the Ten or So Commandments say, “Thou shalt not kill” or some bullshit. But those people are sadly mistaken. In fact, I’m not sure how they can even rationalize that We are anti-abortion after all of the sadistic shit We do to you humans.

abortionThere’s the obvious problem of miscarriages. “Miscarriage” is a nice name for “Jesus-induced abortion.” Feel free to pass that around. If My Dad and I really wanted you to have little fucks running around screaming and crying, We would certainly perform less Jesus-induced abortions. Instead, We abort, oh, somewhere around 80% of all pregnancies, most of which you whores don’t even know about. We’re trying to prolong your hotness, but some of you whores are damn near prodigious with the amount of abuse your vaginas take. Jesus Fucking Christ.

Then there’s also the problem of the success of abortion clinics. You don’t exactly see abortion clinics spontaneously blow up or get struck by lightning or tornadoes. But oddly enough, We do let churches catch on fire quite easily. Figure that one out.

But, honestly, We really do like abortions; it gets rid of a lot of brown people. And all of us Christians, especially in the South, know that brown people are fucking drains on society. The more abortions they have, the less welfare is handed out by those fucking Democrats. And that means more money in my your my pocket.

Praise the Lord, hallelujah, give me $500!

Boning One for the Team

While My Dad and I are generally against sex, there are some times where We see it as permissible. Like with hot chicks. That’s always great. And girls with big tits. Also great. But ugly and fat girls should only be boned on a need-to basis, which is usually only to keep them away from the buffet long enough so the rest of the population can eat.

Jabba The HuttWe’ve all been there. You’re out with your friends, drunk, probably high on weed and/or ecstasy (you ugly guys better thank Me for that one), and all the hot girls have vaginas that could be mistaken for window curtains made out of roast beef. But in an act of self-preservation, you need something to fuck so you don’t get blue balls. And your only non-diseased option is to boink a fat chick.

Fortunately for the fat whores I have performed yet another miracle: I magically make the guy’s dick a few feet long to get past the fat rolls. I mean, c’mon, you’re taking a risk in the first place by placing your naked body in the way of two whale-sized legs, so I gave you guys a little credit in the form of a penis extension.

And for the record, My Dad and I don’t make fat chicks. No one is created that way. And it’s not their fault, either; Satan is pumping them full of evil jizz every night. Take a look at a fat person’s asshole; it’s riddled with horny, little demons. Don’t let those doctors tell you they’re STDs, either; believe the Bible for fuck’s sake.

So the next time you see some skinny ass cracker holding the hand of a fat bitch that could be easily mistaken for a manatee, stop and thank him for his sacrifice. In Jesus My name. Amen.

Abortions Tickle When Done Correctly

A lot of people think My Dad and I consider abortion immoral. They think so on grounds that the Ten or So Commandments say, “Thou shalt not kill” or some bullshit. But those people are sadly mistaken. In fact, I’m not sure how they can even rationalize that We are anti-abortion after all of the sadistic shit We do to you humans.

JesusInducedAbortionThere’s the obvious problem of miscarriages. “Miscarriage” is a nice name for “Jesus-induced abortion.” Feel free to pass that around. If My Dad and I really wanted you to have little fucks running around screaming and crying, We would certainly perform less Jesus-induced abortions. Instead, We abort, oh, somewhere around 80% of all pregnancies, most of which you whores don’t even know about. We’re trying to prolong your hotness, but some of you whores are damn near prodigious with the amount of abuse your vaginas take. Jesus Fucking Christ.

Then there’s also the problem of the success of abortion clinics. You don’t exactly see abortion clinics spontaneously blow up or get struck by lightning or tornadoes. But oddly enough, We do let churches catch on fire quite easily. Figure that one out.

But, honestly, We really do like abortions; it gets rid of a lot of brown people. And all of us Christians, especially in the South, know that brown people are fucking drains on society. The more abortions they have, the less welfare is handed out by those fucking Democrats. And that means more money in my your my pocket.

Praise the Lord, hallelujah, give me $500!