Just Because I’m Bored

Sometimes I like to surprise all of you fucks. Gotta keep you in check just so you know I am watching you.

jesusanswer

Fuck that crying statue shit; get out the grilled cheese!

What’s Wrong with Huckabee?

I’m getting a bit pissed off at you people for not voting in Huckabee. I mean, shit, he loves Me. And My Dad. Maybe even My Mom. But, more importantly, he wants to instill the Bible into everyone in Jesusland. And that’s a-OK with Me.

huckabeeAs you all know, I support Huckabee even though he’s pro-life. I generally don’t like pro-lifers, as I love abortion. But Huckabee wants to turn what is now the United States of America into Jesusland. I need more sheep. Preferably not the poor ones who usually follow Me; I want some rich motherfuckers. So I can buy a Wii.

I’d also like to announce that I’m no longer for Hilary.  I respect the lies against Obama, but I’m getting pissed off that she continues to look like a dyke.  Can’t have that in Jesusland.  Unless she’s hot, but she’s not, so she’ll burn in Hell.

Praise be to Me.

Pope Nazi’s Take on Human Dignity

Pope Nazi took a break from eating Me to tell the world that some scientific progress has “shattered” human dignity. The science listed in that category includes embryonic stem cell research and artificial insemination. As usual, Pope Nazi wasn’t taking into consideration the thoughts of Me and My Dad. So here’s a letter to him:

Dear Pope Nazi,

This is Jesus. Yes, that’s right: Jesus. Surprised to hear from Me? Why? You claim to hear Me all the time. But apparently not this time.

See, I have a problem with your comments on human dignity. Let’s take embryonic stem cell research, for example. Since you claim to hear Me, you’d know that I love abortion. After all, no one aborts embryos and fetuses at the rate of My Dad and I. And stemming from the research comes the issue of cloning. My sheep tends to think I’m against cloning, but that isn’t true either: My Dad and I are also the prime cause of twins, triplets, and so on. So if We didn’t like cloning, We wouldn’t do it at all.

Then there’s artificial insemination. Not sure what your beef is on this issue, bud. But considering We are anti-sex (and you are, too), I don’t see why sticking a needle up a woman’s vag is such a bad thing. Much better than a hairy penis.

If you want to talk about shattering human dignity, I’d like to bring up a number of other issues. Like molesting altar boys. Or moving molesters to other parishes. And not telling the police. And paying off victims so they be quiet.

Oh, wait, that stuff is OK. Right?

So shut the fuck up, Nazi. Leave the talkin’ to Me.

In My name,

Jesus

Holy Shit That Was a Ride

Three days ago I smoked the best weed of My life. It’s not like the shit My apostles and I used to smoke out in the back of the temples. And in the ark. And on the mountain. And in the desert.  This was the good shit you get straight from sweaty spicks down in Guadedopé or some shit.

immortal combatAnyway, so we’re smoking the pot with some hippie dudes in western Canada when suddenly I was confronted with a dinosaur. Seriously. I could have sworn My Dad just made those things up to throw off retard evolutionists and, you know, all paleontologists, but apparently one of them came to life and tried to fucking eat Me. So I whipped his ass.  I took this picture as evidence for the nonbelieving faggots.

So I’m pretty sure that makes Me the cause of the extinction of the dinosaurs, yet again making geologists and paleontologists look like the fucking retards they are, with their stupid asteroid, volcano, and insect theory. Fuck them. Believe in Jesus, motherfuckers. Or you’ll end up like the motherfucking dinosaurs.

Rawr.

Religious Tolerance is Overrated

Today some lawmakers in Oklahoma (that’s in Jesusland for all of you nasty, smelly foreigners) returned a donated Quran, denouncing it as promoting and condoning the murders of “killing innocent women and children in the name of ideology.” Given the Islamofascists’ agenda to bomb everyone on Earth in order to get some virgins, I don’t blame the lawmakers for appropriately denouncing such barbarism.

After all, My Dad would never permit such things.  To prove it, My Dad and I hereby omit the following parts of the Bible:

jesusgunsdeadThey entered into a covenant to seek the Lord, the God of their fathers, with all their heart and soul; and everyone who would not seek the Lord, the God of Israel, was to be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman. (2 Chronicles 15:12-13 NAB)

From there Elisha went up to Bethel. While he was on his way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him. “Go up baldhead,” they shouted, “go up baldhead!” The prophet turned and saw them, and he cursed them in the name of the Lord. Then two shebears came out of the woods and tore forty two of the children to pieces. (2 Kings 2:23-24 NAB)

The glory of Israel will fly away like a bird, for your children will die at birth or perish in the womb or never even be conceived. Even if your children do survive to grow up, I will take them from you. It will be a terrible day when I turn away and leave you alone. I have watched Israel become as beautiful and pleasant as Tyre. But now Israel will bring out her children to be slaughtered.” O LORD, what should I request for your people? I will ask for wombs that don’t give birth and breasts that give no milk. The LORD says, “All their wickedness began at Gilgal; there I began to hate them. I will drive them from my land because of their evil actions. I will love them no more because all their leaders are rebels. The people of Israel are stricken. Their roots are dried up; they will bear no more fruit. And if they give birth, I will slaughter their beloved children.” (Hosea 9:11-16 NLT)

jesusgun1Anyone who is captured will be run through with a sword. Their little children will be dashed to death right before their eyes. Their homes will be sacked and their wives raped by the attacking hordes. For I will stir up the Medes against Babylon, and no amount of silver or gold will buy them off. The attacking armies will shoot down the young people with arrows. They will have no mercy on helpless babies and will show no compassion for the children. (Isaiah 13:15-18 NLT)

Nanny nanny, poo poo, We’re better than all of you Islamic fucks.

Archbishop Burke Loves Little Boys

In St. Louis there’s a situation that’s been going on for years. One of My pedophiles wants to take away a church and make some money off of it; however, My sheep are very resilient and keep bringing in priests to do their services. But with each new priest they bring in, My main pedophile keeps defrocking them.

burkeNormally I don’t take sides. But I think there’s something funny going on here. The Archbishop continually defrocks and excommunicates people in this church. However, the child molesters not only run free, but they’re hidden with My sheep’s money in other congregations. That’s awesome.

So on one hand, we have this overbearing pedophile enabler who is trying to steal this church away from My sheep.  But on the other hand he’s taking money from other congregations, and ultimately this money will be used to hide child molesting priests and pay for a legal defense fund.

This is just another reason why Catholics aren’t My sheep.  Satan can have those bastards.  First they try to eat Me, and now they enable child molestation.

Neat.

Catholicism’s Fucked Up

In the long fucking line of Christian sects that are really fuckin’ scary, Catholics have to take the cake. That’s right. Not the ones who argue against EVILution. Not the ones who passionately protest the flavor-issue of the week like abortion, homo marriage, or keeping a rotting, dead carcasses of a braindead whore alive. Instead, I think Catholics are the fucking scariest.

scary popeFirst there’s that douchebag Pope who rides around in his molestermobile. What a scary cocksucking son of a bitch. The guy to the right might not be the new Pope — who’s a fuckin’ Nazi, by the way — but he’s scary nonetheless. If this picture doesn’t scream “come here little boys and girls, I want to stick my finger in your butt,” I don’t know what does. Assbandit. That would be a much more appropriate title for this sick bastard.

Pope SantaThen there’s also the fact that in order to get close to kids, he dresses like Santa. Now I don’t know why his friends are hitting him with that golden penis, but I’m sure it’s some sort of pre-molestation, pro-Santa ritual. And what the fuck is up with the guy with the axe in the back? That’s probably to castrate any little boys who don’t want to be fondled. Sick fucks.

And let’s not forget the biggest reason they’re fucked up: it’s part of their service to drink my blood and eat my flesh. I could have sworn cannibalism went out of style at least by the time bellbottoms came around. Apparently not. And even worse, they’re teaching their children eat me as young as age 7! It sickens me to think what body part all of these cocksucking faggots imagine they’re eating.

The next time you see a Catholic, do Me a favor and punch him in the sack in the name of your Lord.