Abortions Tickle When Done Correctly

A lot of people think My Dad and I consider abortion immoral. They think so on grounds that the Ten or So Commandments say, “Thou shalt not kill” or some bullshit. But those people are sadly mistaken. In fact, I’m not sure how they can even rationalize that We are anti-abortion after all of the sadistic shit We do to you humans.

JesusInducedAbortionThere’s the obvious problem of miscarriages. “Miscarriage” is a nice name for “Jesus-induced abortion.” Feel free to pass that around. If My Dad and I really wanted you to have little fucks running around screaming and crying, We would certainly perform less Jesus-induced abortions. Instead, We abort, oh, somewhere around 80% of all pregnancies, most of which you whores don’t even know about. We’re trying to prolong your hotness, but some of you whores are damn near prodigious with the amount of abuse your vaginas take. Jesus Fucking Christ.

Then there’s also the problem of the success of abortion clinics. You don’t exactly see abortion clinics spontaneously blow up or get struck by lightning or tornadoes. But oddly enough, We do let churches catch on fire quite easily. Figure that one out.

But, honestly, We really do like abortions; it gets rid of a lot of brown people. And all of us Christians, especially in the South, know that brown people are fucking drains on society. The more abortions they have, the less welfare is handed out by those fucking Democrats. And that means more money in my your my pocket.

Praise the Lord, hallelujah, give me $500!

Christians, Condemn your toilets!

This is urgent news, My wonderful sheep: it’s imperative that you all travel to bathrooms and outhouses around this great nation and the world. When you get there, take a sledgehammer and crush the fucking toilets to death! The blood water of the toilets’ souls should cover your hands! And then you should picket all remaining places that house the evil toilets. Why such anger against toilets, you may ask? Because they are none other than porcelain gods.

These false gods must be stopped. People all around the world are praying to porcelain gods. Whether it’s after getting drunk, while knocked-up, or a mere cat or dog drinking from the toilet, anyone praying to the porcelain god must be killed immediately. If they are allowed to use the toilet, they and even you will be stricken down to the depths of Hell to be buttfucked by Satan. And jizzed on. And he’ll probably shit on your face, too. I heard a rumor that it tastes like licorice, so if it does, please let Me know.

The inevitable question, then, is what to do with the piss and shit. As Caucasian Jesus, the son of God, I would recommend drinking your piss and eating your shit. I don’t recommend this out of humor, though; My Dad actually recommends it. As the Bible says in II Kings 18:28, “But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?” Again, if it tastes like licorice, please let Me know.

So rise against the evil porcelain gods and crush them in the spirit of Me and My Dad! With every death-dealing blow, curse the toilet in the name of the Lord (Me), and piss and shit in the mouths of your Christian brethren.