Spreading the Word of GOD!

As if you weren’t aware, this blog is a sort of addendum to the Bible.  It’s my own personal touch to an otherwise boring and dreary book.  Now you can see Me and My Dad’s real thoughts.  With that said, you, as one of Our sheep, should try to spread this Word of God as much as you can.  So I’d like to thank a certain sheep of Mine: David.

See, David did a very honorable and important task by going to a blog with a bunch of pussy sheep of Mine and advertised My blog.  At this blog, David posted one of My posts and then defended it.  Fuckin’ a, David; great job!  Sixty underaged virgins await you in Heaven.

My favorite part was when telling one of those pussies:

For example, if you shot yourself right now and died, FaceLift, you would gain immediate entry to God’s presence.

What a great fuckin’ analogy, kid.  That’s superb.

So the rest of you assholes have some catching up to do.  Pick a post, pick a pussy-ass so-called Christian blog, and post away!  And, while you’re at it, say something funny so I can quote you.

In My name, Amen.

Goin’ Shoot’n in Colorado

My Dad and I went out shoot’n today in Colorado, and We both ended up in the news. He did His usual shit: go over to a church, destroy some shit, maybe kill a couple people. What the hell is neat about that? I, on the other hand, went after a youth center dorm. Now that’s fuckin’ awesome.

gun crossMany people think they’re safe in a church. Especially Mexicans trying to hide from My Jesusland authorities. But history hasn’t been so kind to that theory, as oftentimes a church is the first place My Dad and I think of when We’re feeling destructive.

Oddly enough, most sheep still come together, praise Us, and rebuild the church.  While We find that entertaining, We really appreciate it, as it gives us a new target for lightning strikes, floods, and encouraging those damn atheists to commit arson.  That last one is Satan doing that… not Us, of course.

Some people ask why We permit such things to happen to our own people.  The simple answer is that it’s entertaining.  Sure, We’re busy giving out home runs and paychecks, but when We really want to have some fun, We go out to the nearest church and kick its ass.  Then you rebuild it, and We kick its ass again.

It’s a never ending cycle of never ending fun!

Peace be with you!

Top 10 Reasons You’re Going to Hell

If you go to one of those heathen-loving megachurches, I’m certain you’ve only been exposed to the nice parts of that grand old book My Dad wrote, the Bible. But there’s another side to the Bible that might seem evil. But don’t you worry, My Dad and I only want what’s best for you. But just to remind you that We are in charge, I’ve compiled this little list here of the top 10 reasons you’re probably going to Hell.

10. You keep thinking I perform miracles for you. I don’t. Or at least not often. And I hate it when you fuckers pray to Me, too. I’m too busy getting drunk and boning fat chicks, people. Oh, and writing on this blog.

Shrimp Flavored Crack9. You eat shrimp. Remember: eating shrimp is a sin. It smells like vagina. Disgusting.

8. You keep spending money on those fucking annoying ribbons. Believe Me, people, those little fucking ribbons aren’t doing anything. Sure, My Dad and I bless the troops. As long as they’re killing poor brown people, of course. But then there’s those seizure-inducing puzzle piece autism awareness ones. What the fuck people? If We didn’t want your kid to have autism, We wouldn’t have given it to him.

7. You fuck fat chicks. Leave this one to Me, guys; you don’t want to get stuck and suffocate or be made into pudding or anything. I’ll sacrifice Myself twice to save you from fat whores.

6. You keep canonizing saints. Who the fuck are these douchefags you keep trying to make into subdeities? I swear, someone down there learns how to piss in a toilet correctly and you go and make him a fucking saint. Were you done worshipping My Dad and I? Are We too boring for you sad, little fucks? Well don’t worry about that, then: you’ll be in Hell in no time.

5. You’re a one-issue voter, particularly anti-abortion. As if it wasn’t bad enough that I’m not against abortion, I’m going to send you to fucking Hell because you’re retarded enough to be blind to the fact that despite those holy “pro-life” Republicans having control of every American political venue for 4 years, not one abortion was stopped or restricted. Wake the fuck up, people; Republicans are just using you. Blind dipshits.

4. You menstruate. Blehhhhh…

3. You’re a flaming homosexual. Or a closet homosexual. Or just a homosexual in general. You’re going to Hell because you can’t love and therefore you shouldn’t be able to marry. Plus, if we let you marry, we’d have to let dogs and plants and negros marry, too, and that’s immoral, too. And don’t even think about raising kids, either; you’ll make them all into more flaming homosexuals, and then you’ll try to take over our awesome, Christian Earth.

2. You’re ugly and you keep fucking. Stop it. Seriously.

Drumroll, please…

Caucasian Jesus1. You depict me as anything but white. This shouldn’t be a problem for anyone in the United States for Jesus, as most crosses, artwork, and memorabilia accurately show me as caucasian. But if you should depict me as an Arab or, God forbid, a negro, you’re going to have a problem.

So you better rethink your actions or We’ll send you to Hell. No, seriously, We will. And Hell isn’t the nice place of just a little fire like you hear in the Bible. Oh, no. Satan is an avid buttfucker, and his ginormous wiener would impale even the loosest of buttholes. It won’t be pretty. So repent.