Spreading the Word of GOD!

As if you weren’t aware, this blog is a sort of addendum to the Bible.  It’s my own personal touch to an otherwise boring and dreary book.  Now you can see Me and My Dad’s real thoughts.  With that said, you, as one of Our sheep, should try to spread this Word of God as much as you can.  So I’d like to thank a certain sheep of Mine: David.

See, David did a very honorable and important task by going to a blog with a bunch of pussy sheep of Mine and advertised My blog.  At this blog, David posted one of My posts and then defended it.  Fuckin’ a, David; great job!  Sixty underaged virgins await you in Heaven.

My favorite part was when telling one of those pussies:

For example, if you shot yourself right now and died, FaceLift, you would gain immediate entry to God’s presence.

What a great fuckin’ analogy, kid.  That’s superb.

So the rest of you assholes have some catching up to do.  Pick a post, pick a pussy-ass so-called Christian blog, and post away!  And, while you’re at it, say something funny so I can quote you.

In My name, Amen.

The New Deadly Sins

Okay, so the Vatican (or “The Vat of Filth,” as My Dad and I call it) came out with some new sins. I don’t know if they’re deadly or not, but they are a bunch of crap. They list things like the environment, drugs, genetic manipulation, and a crapload of other bullshit. I have a problem with these people.

lazinesssignFirst of all, they sit there in their mansion, holding their golden chalices, and EAT ME. What the Hell? What right do they have to say others can’t partake in some good ole weed every now and then. After all, My Dad made weed. He didn’t make golden chalices. “Golden chalices don’t grow on trees,” My Dad would tell Me.

Not to mention the whole pedophilia problem Catholicism has. I mean, shit, get your damn priests off of My children, would you? It’s rude to be fucking the little boys before I can. Jesus first, assholes!

And where do they get off (pun not intended) on saying genetic manipulation is a sin? My Dad does that all the time. Makes twins, retards, and brown people. If those aren’t sins, then I don’t see how We wouldn’t allow you guys to do that, too. Hell, you should make more retards; they’re kind of fun to watch running around trying to bite their own ears. If it wasn’t for their entertainment value, We would have aborted them in utero.

So smoke up, make some retards, and shit on your neighbor’s house. It’s all in good fun, and that’s what life is all about.

The Pope’s Ruby Red Shoes

Wow, it’s been a long time since I’ve posted. But don’t you worry: it isn’t because I’ve lost interest or because I’ve run out of things to write. It’s actually because I hate you. Nawwww, just kidding. I’ve just been stoned, drunk, and sex-crazed lately, and a few prostitutes took Me hostage because I apparently looked like an old pimp of theirs. I managed to persuade them I wasn’t him… …even though I was. SLAM!

Now on with the good shit….

pope red shoesSo apparently the Pope is a woman. Go fucking figure considering he walks around in a robe all day.  He’s only a slightly less attractive Judy Garland, if Judy Garland was an 80 year old walking clitoris spewing bullshit about the poor while living in a mansion, and claiming world peace while his followers are troop-supporting sheep.

And take that cross of your neck, old man.  When I come back from Heaven, I certainly don’t want to see my hole-riddled body on that fucking piece of wood.  I mean, shit, could you be any more offensive to GOD?

And what the fuck is up with his hair?  He looks like that hot chick in There’s Something About Mary.  Only.. you know.. less hot.  And all that stuff I said before about the poor, mansions, and troops.

Thanks, Catholics, for giving Me and My Dad something to laugh about each and every day.  You know, other than the absurdities brought on by brown people and liberals.

The Perils of Lent

Well it’s either Lent or almost Lent, or, fuck, Lent might even be over by now.  I don’t even know.  Shit, I don’t even care.  But, regardless, Lent is a funny thing.  Millions of Christians, mostly Catholics, give up something as ridiculous as soda or candy for a while.  Why?  To identify with Me and My sacrifice for YOUR SINS.  While those things might be yummy, I don’t think giving up a Snickers bar for a few weeks is equivalent to hanging on a fucking cross, bleeding to death and having My sausage flopping in the wind for all to see.  If you’re one of these pricks, you can follow Vanna’s lead and

eat my taint

You see, I’m a little upset about this.  My sheep are merely giving up things instead of, you know, doing things like helping the poor or helpless.  Or, at the very least, they should be giving Me money.  That helps, too.

Religious Tolerance is Overrated

Today some lawmakers in Oklahoma (that’s in Jesusland for all of you nasty, smelly foreigners) returned a donated Quran, denouncing it as promoting and condoning the murders of “killing innocent women and children in the name of ideology.” Given the Islamofascists’ agenda to bomb everyone on Earth in order to get some virgins, I don’t blame the lawmakers for appropriately denouncing such barbarism.

After all, My Dad would never permit such things.  To prove it, My Dad and I hereby omit the following parts of the Bible:

jesusgunsdeadThey entered into a covenant to seek the Lord, the God of their fathers, with all their heart and soul; and everyone who would not seek the Lord, the God of Israel, was to be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman. (2 Chronicles 15:12-13 NAB)

From there Elisha went up to Bethel. While he was on his way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him. “Go up baldhead,” they shouted, “go up baldhead!” The prophet turned and saw them, and he cursed them in the name of the Lord. Then two shebears came out of the woods and tore forty two of the children to pieces. (2 Kings 2:23-24 NAB)

The glory of Israel will fly away like a bird, for your children will die at birth or perish in the womb or never even be conceived. Even if your children do survive to grow up, I will take them from you. It will be a terrible day when I turn away and leave you alone. I have watched Israel become as beautiful and pleasant as Tyre. But now Israel will bring out her children to be slaughtered.” O LORD, what should I request for your people? I will ask for wombs that don’t give birth and breasts that give no milk. The LORD says, “All their wickedness began at Gilgal; there I began to hate them. I will drive them from my land because of their evil actions. I will love them no more because all their leaders are rebels. The people of Israel are stricken. Their roots are dried up; they will bear no more fruit. And if they give birth, I will slaughter their beloved children.” (Hosea 9:11-16 NLT)

jesusgun1Anyone who is captured will be run through with a sword. Their little children will be dashed to death right before their eyes. Their homes will be sacked and their wives raped by the attacking hordes. For I will stir up the Medes against Babylon, and no amount of silver or gold will buy them off. The attacking armies will shoot down the young people with arrows. They will have no mercy on helpless babies and will show no compassion for the children. (Isaiah 13:15-18 NLT)

Nanny nanny, poo poo, We’re better than all of you Islamic fucks.

Archbishop Burke Loves Little Boys

In St. Louis there’s a situation that’s been going on for years. One of My pedophiles wants to take away a church and make some money off of it; however, My sheep are very resilient and keep bringing in priests to do their services. But with each new priest they bring in, My main pedophile keeps defrocking them.

burkeNormally I don’t take sides. But I think there’s something funny going on here. The Archbishop continually defrocks and excommunicates people in this church. However, the child molesters not only run free, but they’re hidden with My sheep’s money in other congregations. That’s awesome.

So on one hand, we have this overbearing pedophile enabler who is trying to steal this church away from My sheep.  But on the other hand he’s taking money from other congregations, and ultimately this money will be used to hide child molesting priests and pay for a legal defense fund.

This is just another reason why Catholics aren’t My sheep.  Satan can have those bastards.  First they try to eat Me, and now they enable child molestation.

Neat.

Catholicism’s Fucked Up

In the long fucking line of Christian sects that are really fuckin’ scary, Catholics have to take the cake. That’s right. Not the ones who argue against EVILution. Not the ones who passionately protest the flavor-issue of the week like abortion, homo marriage, or keeping a rotting, dead carcasses of a braindead whore alive. Instead, I think Catholics are the fucking scariest.

scary popeFirst there’s that douchebag Pope who rides around in his molestermobile. What a scary cocksucking son of a bitch. The guy to the right might not be the new Pope — who’s a fuckin’ Nazi, by the way — but he’s scary nonetheless. If this picture doesn’t scream “come here little boys and girls, I want to stick my finger in your butt,” I don’t know what does. Assbandit. That would be a much more appropriate title for this sick bastard.

Pope SantaThen there’s also the fact that in order to get close to kids, he dresses like Santa. Now I don’t know why his friends are hitting him with that golden penis, but I’m sure it’s some sort of pre-molestation, pro-Santa ritual. And what the fuck is up with the guy with the axe in the back? That’s probably to castrate any little boys who don’t want to be fondled. Sick fucks.

And let’s not forget the biggest reason they’re fucked up: it’s part of their service to drink my blood and eat my flesh. I could have sworn cannibalism went out of style at least by the time bellbottoms came around. Apparently not. And even worse, they’re teaching their children eat me as young as age 7! It sickens me to think what body part all of these cocksucking faggots imagine they’re eating.

The next time you see a Catholic, do Me a favor and punch him in the sack in the name of your Lord.

Your Family is Incestuous.. Trust Me

Yes, that’s right: your family is incestuous. A long time ago your dad slept with his grandmother, and out came his sonbrother. Or a daughtersister. Probably even a hermaphrodite or two. But regardless, your family is fucked up. And you can blame My Dad for that.

After all, the Bible sanctions incestuous relationships. And this isn’t alluding to the daughters who raped their drunk dad. Everyone knows that story. What I’m referring to goes back even further, to the start of the human race species hmm… humanity. I’m taking you back to Adam and Eve (who were white, by the way).

incest

Cane and Abe had sex with their mother.  And thus their children were their childsiblings.  And then those childsiblings were further incestuous by fucking their momsiblings, grandmothersisters, and all sorts of nice sexy terms I can’t even reach my caucasian head around.  It was an incestuous orgy of Biblical proportions.

And it was beautiful.  I’ve since encouraged more of you sheep to continue in this incestuous tradition, but it seems only the southern Jesusland still likes it.  That’s too bad, as the only way you can get closer to God is by getting closer to your family.  If you know what I mean.

So at your next family reunion, be crazy and go for that hot cousin or aunt or, hell, your own dad.  And if they act surprised, you whip out that Bible and explain to them that Caucasian Jesus said it was “a-OK by him!”  I’ll be there to back you up.  Just ignore my camera.

Goin’ Shoot’n in Colorado

My Dad and I went out shoot’n today in Colorado, and We both ended up in the news. He did His usual shit: go over to a church, destroy some shit, maybe kill a couple people. What the hell is neat about that? I, on the other hand, went after a youth center dorm. Now that’s fuckin’ awesome.

gun crossMany people think they’re safe in a church. Especially Mexicans trying to hide from My Jesusland authorities. But history hasn’t been so kind to that theory, as oftentimes a church is the first place My Dad and I think of when We’re feeling destructive.

Oddly enough, most sheep still come together, praise Us, and rebuild the church.  While We find that entertaining, We really appreciate it, as it gives us a new target for lightning strikes, floods, and encouraging those damn atheists to commit arson.  That last one is Satan doing that… not Us, of course.

Some people ask why We permit such things to happen to our own people.  The simple answer is that it’s entertaining.  Sure, We’re busy giving out home runs and paychecks, but when We really want to have some fun, We go out to the nearest church and kick its ass.  Then you rebuild it, and We kick its ass again.

It’s a never ending cycle of never ending fun!

Peace be with you!