Jesus’ Recommended Christmas Buying List

As the smells of Christmas (fuck your “holiday” shit, atheists) emanate throughout the air, some will wait until the last minute to buy their heartless-and-yet-overpriced gifts for their friends and family members. Since I’m such a nice guy, I put together a short list of things I recommend you purchase should you still need a few gifts.

First, something you should not buy: a Bible. It’s likely they already have one, haven’t read it, won’t read it, and that’s how I want to keep it. The less you fucks understand what’s actually in the Bible, the better My Dad and I look. And looks is what it’s all about. ::wink::

jesus phoneMy first recommendation is the brand new Jesus Phone. Move over iPhone, Chocolate, Voyager, and whatever other rice-burning shit is out there; the Jesus phone is on the market, and it’s here to rapture the shit out of your other phones.  Not only is it a cellular phone, but it also serves as an alarm clock that spews out conveniently nice passages in the Bible.  It’s kid friendly, too.  Oh, and the wings of the cross can detach and be used as a container for dildos, tampons, or more money.  This beautiful gift comes at a price tag of $399.99 with a lifetime contract.  Additional donation to Jesus is expected.

But let’s not stop there.  While the phone is obviously one of the hottest gifts you can give someone (outside of an STD), there are plenty of other things you can give them, too.  Like money.  Ok, you’re right: you don’t want to give them money.  So just write the check to Me, instead, and then write in their card that you gave money to Jesus in their name.  As an added bonus, any money that comes in to Me will be used to help the poor.  Or some shit.  Ok, maybe not, but it sounds nice.

Let’s see… what else can you give people you hate.  Ah, I got one that’s free: go to a Catholic service, take communion, and instead of eating the host, just stick it in your pocket and walk out.  If you’re feeling especially ballsy, take out a thermos and pour some wine in there.  Then you can give it to your Catholic cannibal friends as My body and blood.  If they look ungrateful, remind them that they believe it’s the literal body and blood of Me, and that’s the greatest gift in the world.   And then punch them in the nads.

So I hope I’ve helped you with your Christmas shopping.  Peace be with you and all that jazz.  Oh, and make the check out to “Caucasian Jesus,” please.

So a Jew and a Muslim Walk into a Train…

Everyone’s heard that one before, right? Only this time it’s a true story coming out of My beloved Jesusland; even better, it’s from New York. That’s the home of the liberal, atheist, closet dyke, Hilary Clinton. Anyway, some of My outstanding sheep were spreading the love of My upcoming birthday, when a big-nosed Jew replied, “Happy Ccccccchhhanukkah!” And they appropriately laid the Christian smackdown on this beotch.

Ronald McDonald bitch slapDon’t wait there, though; the story gets better. A turbin-wearing terrorist who I’m pretty sure had like sixty bombs strapped to him jumps into the frey, defending the money-grubbing Jew, and also gets the smackdown. They felt the wrath of Jesus upon their big-nosed, turban-wearing beings. And I enjoyed every bit of it. In case you needed a visual, I included this picture where My good friend Ronald McDonald is slapping the shit out of this filty Mexican kid.

Unfortunately, some liberal bystanders turned the blessed Christians in to the atheist police department, and now they’re awaiting trial for charges of something like assault. Bullshit! They were defending My birthday, which is celebrated by, you know, like everyone in My fucking Jesusland. The government should release them and have statues made of them holding the Ten Commandments and display them outside every courthouse.

Meanwhile, they should probably deport those fucks back to Turbinistan and Jewland, respectively.

Fuck Those Jehovah’s Witnesses

I heard through the grapevine that Jehovah’s Witnesses all over the world are declining invitations to CHRISTmas parties because they don’t celebrate My birthday. WHAT???!!1!!1 You’ve got to be fucking kidding Me.

who the fuck is jesusApparently these people, in their infinite lack of wisdom, don’t just bother the fucking shit out of people by going door-to-door in their nice, little suits and hand out Bibles. They also don’t celebrate holidays such as My birthday or Easter, when I came back from fucking HELL. Do you know how hot it is down there? And they don’t even acknowledge when I came back to save their asses? Sons of bitches, that pisses Me off.

That little cocksucker to the right must be one of them.  If they don’t celebrate My birthday, they obviously don’t acknowledge My holy pwn-nes.  But they better just wait until they get to Heaven… they’re in for a rude anal awakening.  Unless they bring presents, of course, and I’m not talking about that cheap frankincense or myrrh shit, either.  You’d think for kings or wisemen, they wouldn’t be so fucking cheap.  Must have been Jews.

If you happen to know any of these assholes, feel free to roundhouse kick them in the face and hand them a little holy literature of your own: this Web site.  Only if they come here and read the true Word of My Dad will they realize that it’s necessary to give each other overpriced pieces of China-made shit their families don’t even want or else they’ll go to Hell.  Good luck with that.

Oh, and peace be to everyone.

The Audacity of You People

You know, it’s the day before My birthday, and what are you doing?  Praying to Me.  For shit.  Today has been a day filled with Christmas parties, and many of these dinners have started off with a retarded prayer.  Asking Me for shit.  Shit I haven’t given you the previous billion times you prayed for the same shit.  Wake up, people!

At the very least you could offer Me something like a virgin sacrifice, especially since it’s the day before My birthday.

But it seems that most people have forgotten what this day is all about.  Fortunately, Huckabee, a wonderful Republican candidate, knows exactly what it’s about: ME.  Remember the story, people?

Nativity Scene

Yeah, that’s right.  My naked, little self came out of My mom’s cooch.  It was cold as shit.  Fuck that desert shit; it gets cold at night.

So before you start praying for more bullshit like “world peace,” “prosperity,” or a Wii, stop and remember that the day is all about ME, ME, ME, and that means you should give Me all of your good shit.  In the name of the Lord, of course.

Top 10 Reasons You’re Going to Hell

If you go to one of those heathen-loving megachurches, I’m certain you’ve only been exposed to the nice parts of that grand old book My Dad wrote, the Bible. But there’s another side to the Bible that might seem evil. But don’t you worry, My Dad and I only want what’s best for you. But just to remind you that We are in charge, I’ve compiled this little list here of the top 10 reasons you’re probably going to Hell.

10. You keep thinking I perform miracles for you. I don’t. Or at least not often. And I hate it when you fuckers pray to Me, too. I’m too busy getting drunk and boning fat chicks, people. Oh, and writing on this blog.

Shrimp Flavored Crack9. You eat shrimp. Remember: eating shrimp is a sin. It smells like vagina. Disgusting.

8. You keep spending money on those fucking annoying ribbons. Believe Me, people, those little fucking ribbons aren’t doing anything. Sure, My Dad and I bless the troops. As long as they’re killing poor brown people, of course. But then there’s those seizure-inducing puzzle piece autism awareness ones. What the fuck people? If We didn’t want your kid to have autism, We wouldn’t have given it to him.

7. You fuck fat chicks. Leave this one to Me, guys; you don’t want to get stuck and suffocate or be made into pudding or anything. I’ll sacrifice Myself twice to save you from fat whores.

6. You keep canonizing saints. Who the fuck are these douchefags you keep trying to make into subdeities? I swear, someone down there learns how to piss in a toilet correctly and you go and make him a fucking saint. Were you done worshipping My Dad and I? Are We too boring for you sad, little fucks? Well don’t worry about that, then: you’ll be in Hell in no time.

5. You’re a one-issue voter, particularly anti-abortion. As if it wasn’t bad enough that I’m not against abortion, I’m going to send you to fucking Hell because you’re retarded enough to be blind to the fact that despite those holy “pro-life” Republicans having control of every American political venue for 4 years, not one abortion was stopped or restricted. Wake the fuck up, people; Republicans are just using you. Blind dipshits.

4. You menstruate. Blehhhhh…

3. You’re a flaming homosexual. Or a closet homosexual. Or just a homosexual in general. You’re going to Hell because you can’t love and therefore you shouldn’t be able to marry. Plus, if we let you marry, we’d have to let dogs and plants and negros marry, too, and that’s immoral, too. And don’t even think about raising kids, either; you’ll make them all into more flaming homosexuals, and then you’ll try to take over our awesome, Christian Earth.

2. You’re ugly and you keep fucking. Stop it. Seriously.

Drumroll, please…

Caucasian Jesus1. You depict me as anything but white. This shouldn’t be a problem for anyone in the United States for Jesus, as most crosses, artwork, and memorabilia accurately show me as caucasian. But if you should depict me as an Arab or, God forbid, a negro, you’re going to have a problem.

So you better rethink your actions or We’ll send you to Hell. No, seriously, We will. And Hell isn’t the nice place of just a little fire like you hear in the Bible. Oh, no. Satan is an avid buttfucker, and his ginormous wiener would impale even the loosest of buttholes. It won’t be pretty. So repent.

Repent

The Truth Behind Miracles

It’s not like Me to do this, but I’m going to admit that many times My own sheep have given My Father and I way too much credit. People regularly thank Us for things such as being beautiful, putting food on the table, and whatever the fuck “saving” means. In reality, there have only been three miracles We have performed:

The first and most famous miracle is when I walked on water. Which actually isn’t even true: I was just tip toeing really fast because those fucking fish kept trying to bite my fucking toes. That’s the real reason why I allow fish to be eaten during Lent.. I’m getting those cocksuckers back for trying to eat Me. Assholes.

The second divine miracle is almost as famous: the changing of water into wine. Most people come up with these bullshit reasons why I did it. “To prove He’s the source of life,” “It symbolized marriage,” and the biggest crock of shit I’ve ever heard: “to illustrate the inimitable nature of God’s revelation.” No, sorry, folks: it was because I was a drunk. I got My junk caught in My robe’s zipper, and so I was late to the wedding. By the time I got there, the bastards drank all the wine, and the only reason I even came was to get drunk and have a good time. So I took some water, made it into wine, and got so blasted I ended up pissing all over Myself.

Chris FarleyThe third miracle was the most difficult: letting Chris Farley live as long as he did. I mean Jesus Fucking Christ that fat bastard should have been dead at least ten years before he finally foamed at the mouth and croaked. It’s not even because he was fat, either: that wasn’t really fat; it was kilos of coke. You could literally insert a tap into his bellybutton and coke would spill out like corn out of a combine.

So the next time some pretentious prick says it’s a miracle that he’s still alive, punch him in his fucking mouth and tell him Caucasian Jesus only extends miracles for self-preservation, self-degradation, and coke-filled but hilarious motherfuckers.

Evilution Craziness!

Damn evolutionists are at it again. Now they’re in Texas AND Florida trying to stop My wonderful creationist sheep!

Evolution

Also take note that the human is WHITE, as My Dad and I intended all humans to be.

Jesus. Yes, That’s Right: Jesus.

Ever notice that many of My sheep are damn near completely inept? My philosophers rely on fallacies, My priests keep having sex with boys and male prostitutes, and My doctors actually think praying is an adequate way of getting My attention. Let’s add a new profession to the list of retards: marketers.

 

Jesus SignWTF, people?!  “Jesus.”?  It just doesn’t make any sense.  Thanks a lot for putting My fucking name on a billboard, now add some shit up there that, oh, tells them what the fuck they need to do.  Something like: “Jesus.  Give Him your fucking money.”  Or perhaps: “Jesus.  It’s not His fault I fucked your son in the ass.”  I mean, shit, at least give them some direction or a reason to keep reading.

Bring Back Segregation

Desegregation is overrated. After all, as My Dad and I said in the Bible, we should kill nonbelievers, brown people, homosexuals, and marketing professionals. If you didn’t know that, read the fucking Bible a bit closer. Prick. But anyway, I think it would be prudent for Jesusland to go back to the pre-civil rights era and take away the rights of those who are obviously sinning against the Bible.

In an effort to cut down on misunderstandings, I’m going to lump all of the sinners we’ll be segregating from our peaceful, Christian nation into “Atheists.” Why? Because, if you fucking read what I just wrote, the Bible is anti-brown people, homosexuals, and atheists. So we can lump them together since they obviously can’t be Christian. There aren’t any niggers, spics, faggots, or pencil-dicked atheists in My churches. Fuck those assholes.

Segregated Drinking FountainSo let’s start the segregation, My good sheep. We’ll make them live in slums (if they don’t already), ride in the back of the buses, drink from different drinking fountains (that will be broken, of course), and they’ll eat our shit. OK, that last one doesn’t have to do with segregation, really.. it would just be demeaning and show our white Christian power. Fuckin’ a.

If you ever see any of these sinners, let them know that Caucasian Jesus is in town and He is the ruler of Jesusland. Soon there will be a reckoning of Heavenly proportions, and then they will eat our shit. And those other things. Amen.