A Call for Honest Eulogies

As if it wasn’t bad enough that there’s a rotting, dead body present at a funeral, it’s even worse that the eulogy is always a big fuckin’ lie. Even a cocksucking douchebag will suddenly have a life comparable to one of My saints. Or even comparable to ME, for fuck’s sake! Even My own eulogy was a scripted well… fib… that left out many of My accomplishments, and even exaggerated the ones that were cited. After I died on the cross, this is the eulogy I was given:

Big Dick Jesus“Caucasian Jesus was a great man. Or God. Or son of God. What was He, exactly? I don’t know, either. But He was great.

He was great at loving. He was great at giving. He was great at giving loving. Especially to fat fucking heffers no one else would fuck. And given that His cock was infinitely enormous, He was awed by many.

He was one of the Holiest people ever to have lived on this Earth. He was a son, a brother, a pirate, a lover of many but a justifiable hater of homosexualsbabies, and blind people. And that makes Him a wonderful friend of mine.

And best of all, He was white.

May He bring His Father joy by sitting on His right teste for ever and ever. And may we also someday follow in His caucasianness and give He and His Father the praise they deserve. Amen.”

What a nice eulogy. Not too many fibs: My penis is actually infinity to the infinityth degree long, but that’s just semantics. And I don’t really hate babies.. they’re just annoying and I like letting Satan possess them so you humans can kill them. There’s no hate in that; it’s just fun and games.

I implore all of you to be more honest in your eulogies. Tell it like it is. Size of the wang and everything.

Blind People Need to See the Truth

So the blind people in America are making a big stink because hybrid cars don’t make enough noise for them to safely cross the street. I may hate those hippie liberal fucks driving the hybrid cars, but I hate the blind even more. And even worse, why they fuck are they crossing the street? They can’t fucking see! My Father and I hate blind people. If you don’t believe Me, just keep reading.

Eye Poke Jesus

All you need to read to see how much My Dad and I hate blind people is look at this picture where I’m poking the fuck out of his kid’s eyeball. Sure, he cried for a little while. But My boisterous laugh drowned it out. And then I damned him to Hell.

Or you could just read the Bible:

“The LORD shall smite thee with madness, and blindness, and astonishment of heart.” -Deuteronomy 28:28

“The hand of the Lord is upon thee, and thou shalt be blind. … And immediately there fell on him a mist and a darkness; and he went about seeking some to lead him by the hand.” -Acts 13:11

“Whosoever … hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God. For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous, Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded, Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken; No man that hath a blemish of the seed of Aaron the priest shall come nigh to offer the offerings of the LORD made by fire: he hath a blemish; he shall not come nigh to offer the bread of his God. … Only he shall not go in unto the vail, nor come nigh unto the altar, because he hath a blemish; that he profane not my sanctuaries.” -Leviticus 21:17-23

And one time I even played a joke on a group of children by making them blind and then molesting them: “Let their eyes be darkened, that they see not; and make their loins continually to shake.” -Psalm 69:23 …Who says you can’t have fun with kids now-days?

So shut the fuck up, you fucking blind people. And if it’s any consolation to you (as if you can even fucking read this, aaaah hahaha), I’ll blow the fuck out of both you and those cocksucking hybrid-driving hippies each time you run into each other.

It’s a Possessed Baby! Kill It!

Throughout the Bible there are many instances of people being possessed by evil spirits. And don’t let those motherfucking doctors tell you it was actually diseases and disorders; no, those were real spirits trying to kill my minions. Trust Me.

Bloody Butchers KnifeAnyway, so today it appears one of My sheep found that his nephew was possessed, and he appropriately tried to rid him of the spirits. How? By cutting it out of him with a butcher knife. Unfortunately the child died.

This is appalling. Not really because he tried to cut the evil spirits out of the infant, but because everyone knows that in order to rid a baby of evil spirits, you need to violently shake it, not cut it! Idiot!

Your Face Looks Like Shit

Have you ever noticed that My most devout sheep are often some of the ugliest people around? Just stay up late one night and in between those phone fucking commercials you’ll see one about music devoted to Me and My Dad. Look at the crowd; they’re a bunch of ugly fucks. Sometime you can’t even tell the difference between a girl’s face and her vagina. They really are that gross.

Ted HaggardI mean look at Ted Haggard, for instance. What an ugly son of a bitch. And not only is he a disgusting looking fuck, he also likes to smoke meth off of faggot prostitutes. What’s amazing is that it took so long for that to come out; I knew that the second I saw that retard’s face. His face just screams “I have a poopy penis.”

Plus, look at his left eye. It shuts slightly more than his right eye. The only reason that happens is from a disease called “Cockinmyfuckingeyetus.” Obviously his gay lover tried teabagging him in the face, only to poke out his eye with his dick. This is the sort of shit that really makes Me against gay marriage. You know, besides the part that they inherently can’t love.

So if you’re a devout reader of this blog, it’s likely you’re a disgustingly ugly bastard. And if you are, I’d like to ask that you please not fuck. There are too many ugly people as it is, and we certainly don’t need any more ugly, evangelical retards running around.

Praise be to Me.

Christians, Condemn your toilets!

This is urgent news, My wonderful sheep: it’s imperative that you all travel to bathrooms and outhouses around this great nation and the world. When you get there, take a sledgehammer and crush the fucking toilets to death! The blood water of the toilets’ souls should cover your hands! And then you should picket all remaining places that house the evil toilets. Why such anger against toilets, you may ask? Because they are none other than porcelain gods.

These false gods must be stopped. People all around the world are praying to porcelain gods. Whether it’s after getting drunk, while knocked-up, or a mere cat or dog drinking from the toilet, anyone praying to the porcelain god must be killed immediately. If they are allowed to use the toilet, they and even you will be stricken down to the depths of Hell to be buttfucked by Satan. And jizzed on. And he’ll probably shit on your face, too. I heard a rumor that it tastes like licorice, so if it does, please let Me know.

The inevitable question, then, is what to do with the piss and shit. As Caucasian Jesus, the son of God, I would recommend drinking your piss and eating your shit. I don’t recommend this out of humor, though; My Dad actually recommends it. As the Bible says in II Kings 18:28, “But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?” Again, if it tastes like licorice, please let Me know.

So rise against the evil porcelain gods and crush them in the spirit of Me and My Dad! With every death-dealing blow, curse the toilet in the name of the Lord (Me), and piss and shit in the mouths of your Christian brethren.