Spreading the Word of GOD!

As if you weren’t aware, this blog is a sort of addendum to the Bible.  It’s my own personal touch to an otherwise boring and dreary book.  Now you can see Me and My Dad’s real thoughts.  With that said, you, as one of Our sheep, should try to spread this Word of God as much as you can.  So I’d like to thank a certain sheep of Mine: David.

See, David did a very honorable and important task by going to a blog with a bunch of pussy sheep of Mine and advertised My blog.  At this blog, David posted one of My posts and then defended it.  Fuckin’ a, David; great job!  Sixty underaged virgins await you in Heaven.

My favorite part was when telling one of those pussies:

For example, if you shot yourself right now and died, FaceLift, you would gain immediate entry to God’s presence.

What a great fuckin’ analogy, kid.  That’s superb.

So the rest of you assholes have some catching up to do.  Pick a post, pick a pussy-ass so-called Christian blog, and post away!  And, while you’re at it, say something funny so I can quote you.

In My name, Amen.

The Perils of Lent

Well it’s either Lent or almost Lent, or, fuck, Lent might even be over by now.  I don’t even know.  Shit, I don’t even care.  But, regardless, Lent is a funny thing.  Millions of Christians, mostly Catholics, give up something as ridiculous as soda or candy for a while.  Why?  To identify with Me and My sacrifice for YOUR SINS.  While those things might be yummy, I don’t think giving up a Snickers bar for a few weeks is equivalent to hanging on a fucking cross, bleeding to death and having My sausage flopping in the wind for all to see.  If you’re one of these pricks, you can follow Vanna’s lead and

eat my taint

You see, I’m a little upset about this.  My sheep are merely giving up things instead of, you know, doing things like helping the poor or helpless.  Or, at the very least, they should be giving Me money.  That helps, too.

Religious Tolerance is Overrated

Today some lawmakers in Oklahoma (that’s in Jesusland for all of you nasty, smelly foreigners) returned a donated Quran, denouncing it as promoting and condoning the murders of “killing innocent women and children in the name of ideology.” Given the Islamofascists’ agenda to bomb everyone on Earth in order to get some virgins, I don’t blame the lawmakers for appropriately denouncing such barbarism.

After all, My Dad would never permit such things.  To prove it, My Dad and I hereby omit the following parts of the Bible:

jesusgunsdeadThey entered into a covenant to seek the Lord, the God of their fathers, with all their heart and soul; and everyone who would not seek the Lord, the God of Israel, was to be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman. (2 Chronicles 15:12-13 NAB)

From there Elisha went up to Bethel. While he was on his way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him. “Go up baldhead,” they shouted, “go up baldhead!” The prophet turned and saw them, and he cursed them in the name of the Lord. Then two shebears came out of the woods and tore forty two of the children to pieces. (2 Kings 2:23-24 NAB)

The glory of Israel will fly away like a bird, for your children will die at birth or perish in the womb or never even be conceived. Even if your children do survive to grow up, I will take them from you. It will be a terrible day when I turn away and leave you alone. I have watched Israel become as beautiful and pleasant as Tyre. But now Israel will bring out her children to be slaughtered.” O LORD, what should I request for your people? I will ask for wombs that don’t give birth and breasts that give no milk. The LORD says, “All their wickedness began at Gilgal; there I began to hate them. I will drive them from my land because of their evil actions. I will love them no more because all their leaders are rebels. The people of Israel are stricken. Their roots are dried up; they will bear no more fruit. And if they give birth, I will slaughter their beloved children.” (Hosea 9:11-16 NLT)

jesusgun1Anyone who is captured will be run through with a sword. Their little children will be dashed to death right before their eyes. Their homes will be sacked and their wives raped by the attacking hordes. For I will stir up the Medes against Babylon, and no amount of silver or gold will buy them off. The attacking armies will shoot down the young people with arrows. They will have no mercy on helpless babies and will show no compassion for the children. (Isaiah 13:15-18 NLT)

Nanny nanny, poo poo, We’re better than all of you Islamic fucks.

Jesus or Hell

I figure since it’s still the Christmas season, I would remind you that you can either choose Me, Jesus, or Hell. It’s your choice. But to help you out just a bit, here’s a list of things you can do in order to, well, almost ensure your way into being boned by Michael the Archangel at the pearly gates.

Jesus or HellThe first and most obvious is to give Me money. I love money. You’d think as the Son of God that I would have enough, but, as My Dad says, “money don’t grow on trees, You inconsiderate twat.” I die on the cross for Him (and you) and that’s how he treats Me when I ask for allowance. Bastard. So you can give Me money in a few ways, whether it’s giving some cocksucking meth addict like Ted Haggard money or you can buy some merchandise from the Church of Jesus Fucking Christ Shop (Coming Soon).

Or, if you’re poor, GET OFF THE FUCKING COMPUTER AND DIE. Now that I have that out of My system…

Be white.  It’s as easy as that.

Be a woman.  Granted, I am a misogynist, but I need women up here to bone.  Jesus gets a little lonely every now and then.

Lastly, you could also be a hero and join the military to kill poor brown people.  As the southern Jesusland understands, there isn’t much better than the blood of a poor brown person splattering all over his innocent family.  Pure awesomeness.

So there you go.  Sure, I’m cheap and so I didn’t give you anything good like an ornament you didn’t want or lottery tickets, but maybe you can take it to heart and give Me money and kill some brown people.  Hoo-ah!

The Truth Behind Miracles

It’s not like Me to do this, but I’m going to admit that many times My own sheep have given My Father and I way too much credit. People regularly thank Us for things such as being beautiful, putting food on the table, and whatever the fuck “saving” means. In reality, there have only been three miracles We have performed:

The first and most famous miracle is when I walked on water. Which actually isn’t even true: I was just tip toeing really fast because those fucking fish kept trying to bite my fucking toes. That’s the real reason why I allow fish to be eaten during Lent.. I’m getting those cocksuckers back for trying to eat Me. Assholes.

The second divine miracle is almost as famous: the changing of water into wine. Most people come up with these bullshit reasons why I did it. “To prove He’s the source of life,” “It symbolized marriage,” and the biggest crock of shit I’ve ever heard: “to illustrate the inimitable nature of God’s revelation.” No, sorry, folks: it was because I was a drunk. I got My junk caught in My robe’s zipper, and so I was late to the wedding. By the time I got there, the bastards drank all the wine, and the only reason I even came was to get drunk and have a good time. So I took some water, made it into wine, and got so blasted I ended up pissing all over Myself.

Chris FarleyThe third miracle was the most difficult: letting Chris Farley live as long as he did. I mean Jesus Fucking Christ that fat bastard should have been dead at least ten years before he finally foamed at the mouth and croaked. It’s not even because he was fat, either: that wasn’t really fat; it was kilos of coke. You could literally insert a tap into his bellybutton and coke would spill out like corn out of a combine.

So the next time some pretentious prick says it’s a miracle that he’s still alive, punch him in his fucking mouth and tell him Caucasian Jesus only extends miracles for self-preservation, self-degradation, and coke-filled but hilarious motherfuckers.

Jesus. Yes, That’s Right: Jesus.

Ever notice that many of My sheep are damn near completely inept? My philosophers rely on fallacies, My priests keep having sex with boys and male prostitutes, and My doctors actually think praying is an adequate way of getting My attention. Let’s add a new profession to the list of retards: marketers.

 

Jesus SignWTF, people?!  “Jesus.”?  It just doesn’t make any sense.  Thanks a lot for putting My fucking name on a billboard, now add some shit up there that, oh, tells them what the fuck they need to do.  Something like: “Jesus.  Give Him your fucking money.”  Or perhaps: “Jesus.  It’s not His fault I fucked your son in the ass.”  I mean, shit, at least give them some direction or a reason to keep reading.

Bring Back Segregation

Desegregation is overrated. After all, as My Dad and I said in the Bible, we should kill nonbelievers, brown people, homosexuals, and marketing professionals. If you didn’t know that, read the fucking Bible a bit closer. Prick. But anyway, I think it would be prudent for Jesusland to go back to the pre-civil rights era and take away the rights of those who are obviously sinning against the Bible.

In an effort to cut down on misunderstandings, I’m going to lump all of the sinners we’ll be segregating from our peaceful, Christian nation into “Atheists.” Why? Because, if you fucking read what I just wrote, the Bible is anti-brown people, homosexuals, and atheists. So we can lump them together since they obviously can’t be Christian. There aren’t any niggers, spics, faggots, or pencil-dicked atheists in My churches. Fuck those assholes.

Segregated Drinking FountainSo let’s start the segregation, My good sheep. We’ll make them live in slums (if they don’t already), ride in the back of the buses, drink from different drinking fountains (that will be broken, of course), and they’ll eat our shit. OK, that last one doesn’t have to do with segregation, really.. it would just be demeaning and show our white Christian power. Fuckin’ a.

If you ever see any of these sinners, let them know that Caucasian Jesus is in town and He is the ruler of Jesusland. Soon there will be a reckoning of Heavenly proportions, and then they will eat our shit. And those other things. Amen.

Blind People Need to See the Truth

So the blind people in America are making a big stink because hybrid cars don’t make enough noise for them to safely cross the street. I may hate those hippie liberal fucks driving the hybrid cars, but I hate the blind even more. And even worse, why they fuck are they crossing the street? They can’t fucking see! My Father and I hate blind people. If you don’t believe Me, just keep reading.

Eye Poke Jesus

All you need to read to see how much My Dad and I hate blind people is look at this picture where I’m poking the fuck out of his kid’s eyeball. Sure, he cried for a little while. But My boisterous laugh drowned it out. And then I damned him to Hell.

Or you could just read the Bible:

“The LORD shall smite thee with madness, and blindness, and astonishment of heart.” -Deuteronomy 28:28

“The hand of the Lord is upon thee, and thou shalt be blind. … And immediately there fell on him a mist and a darkness; and he went about seeking some to lead him by the hand.” -Acts 13:11

“Whosoever … hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God. For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous, Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded, Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken; No man that hath a blemish of the seed of Aaron the priest shall come nigh to offer the offerings of the LORD made by fire: he hath a blemish; he shall not come nigh to offer the bread of his God. … Only he shall not go in unto the vail, nor come nigh unto the altar, because he hath a blemish; that he profane not my sanctuaries.” -Leviticus 21:17-23

And one time I even played a joke on a group of children by making them blind and then molesting them: “Let their eyes be darkened, that they see not; and make their loins continually to shake.” -Psalm 69:23 …Who says you can’t have fun with kids now-days?

So shut the fuck up, you fucking blind people. And if it’s any consolation to you (as if you can even fucking read this, aaaah hahaha), I’ll blow the fuck out of both you and those cocksucking hybrid-driving hippies each time you run into each other.

The Lost Years Revealed

I thought it was bad enough when My Dad would constantly crab at Me for being gone from the ages of 12 to 30. But these damn atheists keep questioning what the Hell I was doing. There are many theories out there: I drank Myself into the ground (true), smoked a lot of pot (also true), and even became a manwhore (no comment). But there’s a much simpler explanation that I’m willing to, for the first time, disclose:

Pirate JesusI became a pirate. True story: I was 12, walking on water, doing all of that cool shit, when My friends and I went on a trippy Peter Pan sort of thing. Suddenly I’m on a big boat fighting a ship full of big fuckin’ animals commanded by a fat son of a bitch named Noah.

Wrong timeline, you say? Shut the fuck up.. it’s a true story, for God’s fucking sake. I’m Jesus and I’ll do whatever the fuck I want. And I wanted to be a pirate, so I did.

But then the big three-oh (that’s 30 for all of you intellectually retarded sheep out there) came around, I didn’t have any money left, and Dad was pissed off that I kept driving the boat drunk and running into things like the Tower of Babel (who puts a big fuckin’ tower in the middle of the ocean?). So I landed the ship on some mountain surrounded by dirkas, took up carpentry, and ended up nailed on a God damn cross.

So we see how that turned out.

Christians, Condemn your toilets!

This is urgent news, My wonderful sheep: it’s imperative that you all travel to bathrooms and outhouses around this great nation and the world. When you get there, take a sledgehammer and crush the fucking toilets to death! The blood water of the toilets’ souls should cover your hands! And then you should picket all remaining places that house the evil toilets. Why such anger against toilets, you may ask? Because they are none other than porcelain gods.

These false gods must be stopped. People all around the world are praying to porcelain gods. Whether it’s after getting drunk, while knocked-up, or a mere cat or dog drinking from the toilet, anyone praying to the porcelain god must be killed immediately. If they are allowed to use the toilet, they and even you will be stricken down to the depths of Hell to be buttfucked by Satan. And jizzed on. And he’ll probably shit on your face, too. I heard a rumor that it tastes like licorice, so if it does, please let Me know.

The inevitable question, then, is what to do with the piss and shit. As Caucasian Jesus, the son of God, I would recommend drinking your piss and eating your shit. I don’t recommend this out of humor, though; My Dad actually recommends it. As the Bible says in II Kings 18:28, “But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?” Again, if it tastes like licorice, please let Me know.

So rise against the evil porcelain gods and crush them in the spirit of Me and My Dad! With every death-dealing blow, curse the toilet in the name of the Lord (Me), and piss and shit in the mouths of your Christian brethren.