2 Girls, 1 Chalice

You’re welcome. “For what?” Well, not only for boobs, tacos, and lawnmowing Mexicans, but also for this wonderful idea: 2 girls, 1 chalice. Yes, that’s right: I want you to make a Web site where two girls will take a chalice filled with my peanut-laden dung, and rub it all over their boobies and lick it off of each other. Why? Because apparently you people like that sort of stuff. And so do I.

After all, 2 girls 1 cup is extremely popular, so this would be a great way to spread the Word of My Dad while have some fun poop action. Didn’t you know We like poop? Here’s some evidence via The Dark Bible:

“And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight. And the LORD said, Even thus shall the children of Israel eat their defiled bread among the Gentiles, whither I will drive them.” (Ezekiel 4:12-13)

That sounds like the best fucking barley cakes ever. What the fuck is barley, anyway? Well apparently it has to do with shit.

“But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?” (II Kings 18:27)

Fuck, that sounds like an awesome meal. I know when I’m hungry and I’m all out of negro babies, I go over to the men against the wall and eat their dung and drink their piss. Mmmm… lemony.

“If ye will not hear, and if ye will not lay it to heart, to give glory unto my name, saith the LORD of hosts, I will even send a curse upon you, and I will curse your blessings: yea, I have cursed them already, because ye do not lay it to heart. Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it.” (Malachi 2:2-3)

I like to spread around (pun intended) My fun with feces sometimes by rubbing it on your faces. I usually try to wipe it off by the time you wake up, though.

So, My wonderful sheep, I say unto thee to go and find thy poop and rubbeth it oneth your faces. And eat it. And take this quiz.

In My name, Amen.

Terri Schiavo… Mmmmm…

Sorry to bring up an old topic, but I just have to make a comment about a picture of some of My sheep:

Terri Schiavo

These sheep are absolutely correct: Terri was not a vegetable.  She tasted much more like chicken.

Another Vegetable Bites the Dust

As if you needed any more proof that I am the true Son of God, My post last night was damn near prophetic. One night I’m talking about how Terri Schiavo tastes like chicken, and the next day some ugly vegetable bitch dies and her family sues the insurance company. That’s good shit.

Terri SchiavoSo here’s the important parts of the story about this bitch: she’s young, a vegetable (dead as a fucking doornail), and she needed a transplant.  Her insurance company wouldn’t pay for it.  And let’s be truthful here: there are a lot of ALIVE people who probably needed that transplant more than her.  Anyway, like I said, the insurance company denies it.

Meanwhile, a bunch of equally ugly teenagers and nurses protest outside of the insurance company.  I’m not sure any of them realized she was already dead.  But, anyway, within a few hours after the insurance company changes their minds, the rest of her body dies anyway.  It’s about fuckin’ time.

Anyway, so it hits the media now that her family is suing the insurance company for, of all things, letting their already-dead child die… again.   As far as I’m concerned, the insurance company did them a favor; look how fucking ugly she is.  I wouldn’t fuck her with a stolen dick.  That’s pretty bad, coming from Jesus himself, who fucks fat chicks.

So thank My Dad she’s dead.  Finally there’s another hospital bed — and another organ — that can go to someone who is alive.  Of course I’m sure My retarded sheep will be all over this, praying or some shit, but don’t you worry: unless she gets really hot postmortem, she won’t be back anytime soon.

Boning One for the Team

While My Dad and I are generally against sex, there are some times where We see it as permissible. Like with hot chicks. That’s always great. And girls with big tits. Also great. But ugly and fat girls should only be boned on a need-to basis, which is usually only to keep them away from the buffet long enough so the rest of the population can eat.

Jabba The HuttWe’ve all been there. You’re out with your friends, drunk, probably high on weed and/or ecstasy (you ugly guys better thank Me for that one), and all the hot girls have vaginas that could be mistaken for window curtains made out of roast beef. But in an act of self-preservation, you need something to fuck so you don’t get blue balls. And your only non-diseased option is to boink a fat chick.

Fortunately for the fat whores I have performed yet another miracle: I magically make the guy’s dick a few feet long to get past the fat rolls. I mean, c’mon, you’re taking a risk in the first place by placing your naked body in the way of two whale-sized legs, so I gave you guys a little credit in the form of a penis extension.

And for the record, My Dad and I don’t make fat chicks. No one is created that way. And it’s not their fault, either; Satan is pumping them full of evil jizz every night. Take a look at a fat person’s asshole; it’s riddled with horny, little demons. Don’t let those doctors tell you they’re STDs, either; believe the Bible for fuck’s sake.

So the next time you see some skinny ass cracker holding the hand of a fat bitch that could be easily mistaken for a manatee, stop and thank him for his sacrifice. In Jesus My name. Amen.

Yeah, We Do Hate Shrimp

Those fucks over at God Hates Shrimp think they’re being funny by coming out to My sheep’s protests against homo marriages. What they don’t realize is that despite their horrid attempt at wit and satire, I truly hate shrimp. Know why? They smell like vaginas.

God hates shrimpAnd, in case you don’t remember, I don’t like vaginas. Not only do they smell like shrimp, but they don’t look all that aesthetically pleasing, either. Much like a retarded clam, really. That’s why My Dad and I have demanded Our minions sheep encourage abstinence. We don’t want anyone getting too close to one of those nasty, little things and losing a finger.

Despite the Bible’s depiction of My birth, My Mom didn’t even have a vagina. I was actually born from her ass. “Gross,” you might say, but at least I didn’t come out smelling like rotting seafood.

So here’s a big FUCK YOU to all of you pro-homo God Hates Shrimp pricks. And stay away from vaginas.

Voting in Iowa

Well it’s that time of the year again: yes, when a few states decide who all of Jesusland will be voting for in the next election. Lesbian Clinton, Muslim Obama, and Caucasian Edwards is in the pot for the Democrats’ side; St. Michael Huckabee, Mormon Romney, and John McStiff are in the Republican pool. So who does Jesus endorse, you might wonder?

Hillary ClintonHillary Clinton!  Yes, that’s right: I’m endorsing the blond-haired dyke who’s the Democratic equivalent of ole Gee Dubbya.  Why?

Well, first, I knocked out all of the Republicans.  They’re pro-life, and I’ve repeatedly said that I’m actually pro-abortion.  In fact, I think there needs to be more of them.

Then, Republicans are also pro-death penalty.  I might be pro-gun and anti-brown people, but I’m actually anti-capital punishment.  You’d think the fact that I was killed using capital punishment would give Republicans a good idea that I’m against it, but apparently not.  Oh well.

So now that we’ve knocked out Republicans, why did I choose Hillary?  Well, for a few reasons.

First, going back to the abortion issue, she sort of looks like an aborted fetus.  Her piercing eyes, dyke hair, and discombobulated body; all signs of being an aborted fetus.  That’s a plus.

If that wasn’t enough, I also like the fact that she’s a submissive whore who stayed with Bill Clinton after he got blown by a fat chick.  Some would call that commitment; I call it knowing she won’t get anyone else considering her aborted fetus-like looks.

So if you’re lucky enough to live in Iowa, I fully expect all Democrats to vote for Hillary.  And, if you’re unlucky enough to be a Republican, I would suggest voting for Romney since his religion says you should be able to fuck a bunch of 14 year old girls.  That’s pretty sweet.