Happy Jesus (That’s Me!) Resurrection Day!

Happy Resurrection Day, My faithful sheep! I hope the Easter Bunny shits many money-filled plastic eggs in your yard, blessing you with the spirit of Jesus. Oh, that’s Me. Well there are a few things you might not have known about Easter that I hope to brighten your intellect with. So let’s get started.

First, the Easter Bunny is real. He’s actually a mutant retard after the Chernobyl incident. And before that it was a Hiroshima “victim.” And before that it was just a regular, old retard. The next one in line is Stephen Hawking. If you don’t believe Me that the Easter Bunny is real, I have a picture to prove it.

easter jesus

Take that, unbelieving assholes.

Another myth is that I actually resurrected. Sure, I died on the cross and they put Me in a cave. But when they went in and I wasn’t there, I was actually just hiding in the back of the cave shooting up some heroin. The dumbasses were just too damn lazy to search back in the cave a little further.

The other most prominent myth is that I rose to Heaven. But, again, I must blame it on the heroin: I slipped some in My sheeps’ drinks and played some tricks on them. That included a hippy-inspired, heroin-driven party where I threw my robe into the sky and ran out naked really quickly, making them believe I have risen into Heaven. I actually went to a brothel afterwards and ate a few Easter eggs, if you know what I mean.

So enjoy a day commemorating My drug use and promiscuity. And if you do see the Easter Bunny, don’t touch him or he’ll give you AIDS. I swear.

Peace be with you.

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