I figure since it’s still the Christmas season, I would remind you that you can either choose Me, Jesus, or Hell. It’s your choice. But to help you out just a bit, here’s a list of things you can do in order to, well, almost ensure your way into being boned by Michael the Archangel at the pearly gates.
The first and most obvious is to give Me money. I love money. You’d think as the Son of God that I would have enough, but, as My Dad says, “money don’t grow on trees, You inconsiderate twat.” I die on the cross for Him (and you) and that’s how he treats Me when I ask for allowance. Bastard. So you can give Me money in a few ways, whether it’s giving some cocksucking meth addict like Ted Haggard money or you can buy some merchandise from the Church of Jesus Fucking Christ Shop (Coming Soon).
Or, if you’re poor, GET OFF THE FUCKING COMPUTER AND DIE. Now that I have that out of My system…
Be white. It’s as easy as that.
Be a woman. Granted, I am a misogynist, but I need women up here to bone. Jesus gets a little lonely every now and then.
Lastly, you could also be a hero and join the military to kill poor brown people. As the southern Jesusland understands, there isn’t much better than the blood of a poor brown person splattering all over his innocent family. Pure awesomeness.
So there you go. Sure, I’m cheap and so I didn’t give you anything good like an ornament you didn’t want or lottery tickets, but maybe you can take it to heart and give Me money and kill some brown people. Hoo-ah!