The Lost Years Revealed

I thought it was bad enough when My Dad would constantly crab at Me for being gone from the ages of 12 to 30. But these damn atheists keep questioning what the Hell I was doing. There are many theories out there: I drank Myself into the ground (true), smoked a lot of pot (also true), and even became a manwhore (no comment). But there’s a much simpler explanation that I’m willing to, for the first time, disclose:

Pirate JesusI became a pirate. True story: I was 12, walking on water, doing all of that cool shit, when My friends and I went on a trippy Peter Pan sort of thing. Suddenly I’m on a big boat fighting a ship full of big fuckin’ animals commanded by a fat son of a bitch named Noah.

Wrong timeline, you say? Shut the fuck up.. it’s a true story, for God’s fucking sake. I’m Jesus and I’ll do whatever the fuck I want. And I wanted to be a pirate, so I did.

But then the big three-oh (that’s 30 for all of you intellectually retarded sheep out there) came around, I didn’t have any money left, and Dad was pissed off that I kept driving the boat drunk and running into things like the Tower of Babel (who puts a big fuckin’ tower in the middle of the ocean?). So I landed the ship on some mountain surrounded by dirkas, took up carpentry, and ended up nailed on a God damn cross.

So we see how that turned out.

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