Jesus-Induced Abortions

A lot of people think My Dad and I consider abortion immoral. They think so on grounds that the Ten or So Commandments say, “Thou shalt not kill” or some bullshit. But those people are sadly mistaken. In fact, I’m not sure how they can even rationalize that We are anti-abortion after all of the sadistic shit We do to you humans.

abortionThere’s the obvious problem of miscarriages. “Miscarriage” is a nice name for “Jesus-induced abortion.” Feel free to pass that around. If My Dad and I really wanted you to have little fucks running around screaming and crying, We would certainly perform less Jesus-induced abortions. Instead, We abort, oh, somewhere around 80% of all pregnancies, most of which you whores don’t even know about. We’re trying to prolong your hotness, but some of you whores are damn near prodigious with the amount of abuse your vaginas take. Jesus Fucking Christ.

Then there’s also the problem of the success of abortion clinics. You don’t exactly see abortion clinics spontaneously blow up or get struck by lightning or tornadoes. But oddly enough, We do let churches catch on fire quite easily. Figure that one out.

But, honestly, We really do like abortions; it gets rid of a lot of brown people. And all of us Christians, especially in the South, know that brown people are fucking drains on society. The more abortions they have, the less welfare is handed out by those fucking Democrats. And that means more money in my your my pocket.

Praise the Lord, hallelujah, give me $500!

Your Family is Incestuous.. Trust Me

Yes, that’s right: your family is incestuous. A long time ago your dad slept with his grandmother, and out came his sonbrother. Or a daughtersister. Probably even a hermaphrodite or two. But regardless, your family is fucked up. And you can blame My Dad for that.

After all, the Bible sanctions incestuous relationships. And this isn’t alluding to the daughters who raped their drunk dad. Everyone knows that story. What I’m referring to goes back even further, to the start of the human race species hmm… humanity. I’m taking you back to Adam and Eve (who were white, by the way).

incest

Cane and Abe had sex with their mother.  And thus their children were their childsiblings.  And then those childsiblings were further incestuous by fucking their momsiblings, grandmothersisters, and all sorts of nice sexy terms I can’t even reach my caucasian head around.  It was an incestuous orgy of Biblical proportions.

And it was beautiful.  I’ve since encouraged more of you sheep to continue in this incestuous tradition, but it seems only the southern Jesusland still likes it.  That’s too bad, as the only way you can get closer to God is by getting closer to your family.  If you know what I mean.

So at your next family reunion, be crazy and go for that hot cousin or aunt or, hell, your own dad.  And if they act surprised, you whip out that Bible and explain to them that Caucasian Jesus said it was “a-OK by him!”  I’ll be there to back you up.  Just ignore my camera.

The Value of Prayer

….is nothing. Prayer sucks. I don’t give a shit when you pray to Me. If you want Me to consider anything you want, however, I do take cash, check, or credit card.

Prayer

Goin’ Shoot’n in Colorado

My Dad and I went out shoot’n today in Colorado, and We both ended up in the news. He did His usual shit: go over to a church, destroy some shit, maybe kill a couple people. What the hell is neat about that? I, on the other hand, went after a youth center dorm. Now that’s fuckin’ awesome.

gun crossMany people think they’re safe in a church. Especially Mexicans trying to hide from My Jesusland authorities. But history hasn’t been so kind to that theory, as oftentimes a church is the first place My Dad and I think of when We’re feeling destructive.

Oddly enough, most sheep still come together, praise Us, and rebuild the church.  While We find that entertaining, We really appreciate it, as it gives us a new target for lightning strikes, floods, and encouraging those damn atheists to commit arson.  That last one is Satan doing that… not Us, of course.

Some people ask why We permit such things to happen to our own people.  The simple answer is that it’s entertaining.  Sure, We’re busy giving out home runs and paychecks, but when We really want to have some fun, We go out to the nearest church and kick its ass.  Then you rebuild it, and We kick its ass again.

It’s a never ending cycle of never ending fun!

Peace be with you!

Halo: Holy Combat

Thank you to the sheep who got Me a new JESUS-BOX 360.  I’m proud to announce that, in time for My birthday, I’ll be releasing the best fuckin’ game in the world:

jesus halo

Halo: Holy Combat.  You play as Me, killing atheists, liberals, and brown people.  How fucking i33t is that?

What Would Jesus Buy?

After writing My Christmas gift recommendations last night, I took a look at a couple heathen atheist sites. Since My birthday is largely commercialized now, they pretty much all asked the question, “What would Jesus buy?” Well, you pretentious pricks, I’ve come up with a list of things I want for My birthday. I would buy them for Myself, but since I’m the Son of fucking God, I deserve at least a few birthday presents.

The first thing on My list is a new JESUS-BOX 360. I got one last year from Moses, but then some little poor kid broke it. That fucker.

jesus box

But you can’t just get Me one gift. Remember: I’m the Son of God. If it’s My wish, I can like kill you ‘n stuff. So treat Me well. …by buying Me more things.

Like a Lexus. While driving around in My modified Popemobile, I always see Lexuses with Jesusfish on them. I think that’s sort of like the gift card: they’re saying, “Jesus, this is yours if you want it!” Well I do want it, so get out of My fucking Lexus, you smelly bitch. And you can keep the Jesusfish. I would rather none of you know when I’m stopping off at the porno shop.

If it wasn’t My birthday, I’d probably also build a brand new, beautiful church. You know, not those tin-roofed ones you see in ButtFuckEgypt, but one of those grand, stone-walled churches with stained-glass windows, a gold-plated statue of Me on top, and stadium-style seating. That’s what I’m talking about, motherfucker. Don’t go cheap on Me, now. I want the good shit.

So go out and buy, buy, buy, My faithful sheep. Contrary to popular belief, it isn’t the thought that counts; it’s the price. So make sure you include your receipts.

Jesus’ Recommended Christmas Buying List

As the smells of Christmas (fuck your “holiday” shit, atheists) emanate throughout the air, some will wait until the last minute to buy their heartless-and-yet-overpriced gifts for their friends and family members. Since I’m such a nice guy, I put together a short list of things I recommend you purchase should you still need a few gifts.

First, something you should not buy: a Bible. It’s likely they already have one, haven’t read it, won’t read it, and that’s how I want to keep it. The less you fucks understand what’s actually in the Bible, the better My Dad and I look. And looks is what it’s all about. ::wink::

jesus phoneMy first recommendation is the brand new Jesus Phone. Move over iPhone, Chocolate, Voyager, and whatever other rice-burning shit is out there; the Jesus phone is on the market, and it’s here to rapture the shit out of your other phones.  Not only is it a cellular phone, but it also serves as an alarm clock that spews out conveniently nice passages in the Bible.  It’s kid friendly, too.  Oh, and the wings of the cross can detach and be used as a container for dildos, tampons, or more money.  This beautiful gift comes at a price tag of $399.99 with a lifetime contract.  Additional donation to Jesus is expected.

But let’s not stop there.  While the phone is obviously one of the hottest gifts you can give someone (outside of an STD), there are plenty of other things you can give them, too.  Like money.  Ok, you’re right: you don’t want to give them money.  So just write the check to Me, instead, and then write in their card that you gave money to Jesus in their name.  As an added bonus, any money that comes in to Me will be used to help the poor.  Or some shit.  Ok, maybe not, but it sounds nice.

Let’s see… what else can you give people you hate.  Ah, I got one that’s free: go to a Catholic service, take communion, and instead of eating the host, just stick it in your pocket and walk out.  If you’re feeling especially ballsy, take out a thermos and pour some wine in there.  Then you can give it to your Catholic cannibal friends as My body and blood.  If they look ungrateful, remind them that they believe it’s the literal body and blood of Me, and that’s the greatest gift in the world.   And then punch them in the nads.

So I hope I’ve helped you with your Christmas shopping.  Peace be with you and all that jazz.  Oh, and make the check out to “Caucasian Jesus,” please.

Jesusland Loves Christmas!

My faithful Republicans have scored another point with Me, Caucasian Jesus, by introducing a bill or some shit that basically says Christmas is fuckin’ awesome and Christians are awesome while atheists, liberals, brown people, and people of other faiths are fucking retarded, dick-sucking, shit-eating, shrimp-smelling ball lickers. Yay for Republicans!

Santa ChristMy birthday is awesome. Who else has a birthday where everyone spends oodles of money they don’t have to give you gifts you don’t want? Ok… sounds a little like Easter or maybe even Halloween, but none of them come close to the awesome commercialization that My birthday has attained.

Fortunately the Republicans put down other pressing issues like the national debt, children’s health insurance, and the housing fall-out and instead are pressing forward with a most glorifying bill honoring My birthday.

I do take up an issue with one part of the bill, though. In the big, boring whereas section, it says, “Whereas there are approximately 2,000,000,000 Christians throughout the world, making Christianity the largest religion in the world and the religion of about one-third of the world population;” but then later goes on to say, “(5) rejects bigotry and persecution directed against Christians, both in the United States and worldwide”. Here’s my problem:

First, I went through a lot of persecution when, you know, Christianity wasn’t the most popular thing in the world. Hell, they nailed Me to some fucking wood and kept Me outside for days while My thing flopped around in the wind. I didn’t have that little loin cloth the Christians like to pose Me with.

And, even more importantly, who the fuck is persecuting My Christians if they’re the most common religious group around? I mean, shit, it’s not like they’re fucking Native Americans or pagans or some shit. Except those Catholics, who still can’t explain how I’m supposedly My Dad and whatever the fuck the “spirit” is in some sort of holy orgy. Fuck that.

So I appreciate the kind bill, My good Christian Republicans. I’ll overlook my concerns for the establishment of a theocracy in Jesusland. Blessed be to you, My hypocritical sinners, for all most a few will be forgiven at the pearly gates.

So a Jew and a Muslim Walk into a Train…

Everyone’s heard that one before, right? Only this time it’s a true story coming out of My beloved Jesusland; even better, it’s from New York. That’s the home of the liberal, atheist, closet dyke, Hilary Clinton. Anyway, some of My outstanding sheep were spreading the love of My upcoming birthday, when a big-nosed Jew replied, “Happy Ccccccchhhanukkah!” And they appropriately laid the Christian smackdown on this beotch.

Ronald McDonald bitch slapDon’t wait there, though; the story gets better. A turbin-wearing terrorist who I’m pretty sure had like sixty bombs strapped to him jumps into the frey, defending the money-grubbing Jew, and also gets the smackdown. They felt the wrath of Jesus upon their big-nosed, turban-wearing beings. And I enjoyed every bit of it. In case you needed a visual, I included this picture where My good friend Ronald McDonald is slapping the shit out of this filty Mexican kid.

Unfortunately, some liberal bystanders turned the blessed Christians in to the atheist police department, and now they’re awaiting trial for charges of something like assault. Bullshit! They were defending My birthday, which is celebrated by, you know, like everyone in My fucking Jesusland. The government should release them and have statues made of them holding the Ten Commandments and display them outside every courthouse.

Meanwhile, they should probably deport those fucks back to Turbinistan and Jewland, respectively.