The Atheist Compass

If you hadn’t noticed, I haven’t made a post for a couple days. What happened was I had to see what all the hooplah was about, and I went to see The Golden Compass. For those of you who don’t know, it’s a movie by one of those fucking atheists, and he even said he made it to make children atheists. Well, shit, it worked: I was gone a couple days because the movie converted Me, Jesus Christ, to atheism.

Fortunately atheism entails inherent immorality, so I came back to Christianity (you know, praising Myself) after being in a drunken stupor for a couple days. And not only have I come back to restore My honorable standing as a subdeity, but also warn you about The Golden Compass and its atheist message.

Golden CompassThe Golden Compass gets My vote for the worst movie of the year. It’s full of atheism, drinking, child pornography, and farting. Let Me explain.

See that girl over there on the right?  She’s an atheist.  And that little thing she’s looking into isn’t really a compass: it’s a locket full of pictures of Democrats having sex with aborted fetuses.  Not that aborting fetuses is wrong, but I never said having sex with them is OK.  Quite the opposite, really.

Then there’s drinking.  OK, that one is OK.  I did that a lot.  And it’s fun.  So scratch that one.

We’re down to farting.  I’m not even sure that one was in the movie.  It might have been Me since I ate a lot of chilly dogs before the movie.  But I’m pretty sure the movie contributed to it, and especially the smell, so that still counts as a knock against it.

So don’t go see The Golden Compass or you’ll end up a farting, fetus fucking atheist for a couple days, and you’ll have to rebound to Christianity by incessant drinking.  Not that that’s any different than any other Christian’s day, but it’s one hell of a come-down when the mind control of atheism wears off.

Damn compass o’ porn.

Fuck Those Jehovah’s Witnesses

I heard through the grapevine that Jehovah’s Witnesses all over the world are declining invitations to CHRISTmas parties because they don’t celebrate My birthday. WHAT???!!1!!1 You’ve got to be fucking kidding Me.

who the fuck is jesusApparently these people, in their infinite lack of wisdom, don’t just bother the fucking shit out of people by going door-to-door in their nice, little suits and hand out Bibles. They also don’t celebrate holidays such as My birthday or Easter, when I came back from fucking HELL. Do you know how hot it is down there? And they don’t even acknowledge when I came back to save their asses? Sons of bitches, that pisses Me off.

That little cocksucker to the right must be one of them.  If they don’t celebrate My birthday, they obviously don’t acknowledge My holy pwn-nes.  But they better just wait until they get to Heaven… they’re in for a rude anal awakening.  Unless they bring presents, of course, and I’m not talking about that cheap frankincense or myrrh shit, either.  You’d think for kings or wisemen, they wouldn’t be so fucking cheap.  Must have been Jews.

If you happen to know any of these assholes, feel free to roundhouse kick them in the face and hand them a little holy literature of your own: this Web site.  Only if they come here and read the true Word of My Dad will they realize that it’s necessary to give each other overpriced pieces of China-made shit their families don’t even want or else they’ll go to Hell.  Good luck with that.

Oh, and peace be to everyone.

Terri Schiavo… Mmmmm…

Sorry to bring up an old topic, but I just have to make a comment about a picture of some of My sheep:

Terri Schiavo

These sheep are absolutely correct: Terri was not a vegetable.  She tasted much more like chicken.

Another Vegetable Bites the Dust

As if you needed any more proof that I am the true Son of God, My post last night was damn near prophetic. One night I’m talking about how Terri Schiavo tastes like chicken, and the next day some ugly vegetable bitch dies and her family sues the insurance company. That’s good shit.

Terri SchiavoSo here’s the important parts of the story about this bitch: she’s young, a vegetable (dead as a fucking doornail), and she needed a transplant.  Her insurance company wouldn’t pay for it.  And let’s be truthful here: there are a lot of ALIVE people who probably needed that transplant more than her.  Anyway, like I said, the insurance company denies it.

Meanwhile, a bunch of equally ugly teenagers and nurses protest outside of the insurance company.  I’m not sure any of them realized she was already dead.  But, anyway, within a few hours after the insurance company changes their minds, the rest of her body dies anyway.  It’s about fuckin’ time.

Anyway, so it hits the media now that her family is suing the insurance company for, of all things, letting their already-dead child die… again.   As far as I’m concerned, the insurance company did them a favor; look how fucking ugly she is.  I wouldn’t fuck her with a stolen dick.  That’s pretty bad, coming from Jesus himself, who fucks fat chicks.

So thank My Dad she’s dead.  Finally there’s another hospital bed — and another organ — that can go to someone who is alive.  Of course I’m sure My retarded sheep will be all over this, praying or some shit, but don’t you worry: unless she gets really hot postmortem, she won’t be back anytime soon.

The Audacity of You People

You know, it’s the day before My birthday, and what are you doing?  Praying to Me.  For shit.  Today has been a day filled with Christmas parties, and many of these dinners have started off with a retarded prayer.  Asking Me for shit.  Shit I haven’t given you the previous billion times you prayed for the same shit.  Wake up, people!

At the very least you could offer Me something like a virgin sacrifice, especially since it’s the day before My birthday.

But it seems that most people have forgotten what this day is all about.  Fortunately, Huckabee, a wonderful Republican candidate, knows exactly what it’s about: ME.  Remember the story, people?

Nativity Scene

Yeah, that’s right.  My naked, little self came out of My mom’s cooch.  It was cold as shit.  Fuck that desert shit; it gets cold at night.

So before you start praying for more bullshit like “world peace,” “prosperity,” or a Wii, stop and remember that the day is all about ME, ME, ME, and that means you should give Me all of your good shit.  In the name of the Lord, of course.

Merry… My Birthday!

Happy Birthday to Me, Happy birthday to Me, Happy birthday dear… Meeeeee, Happy birthday tooooooo Meeeeeeee. Fuckin’ a, My good sheep. Today is My birthday, and I had a great fuckin’ time. Getting sweet presents, getting fat on animal carcass, and, best of all, being praised for being the Lord that I am. You can’t ask for a much better day.

Birthday JesusAfter all, I got a lot of good shit. I got billions of dollars, some more churches, and many more followers. Oh, and don’t forget the tax write-offs. Those are awesome.

But, as expected, I was supposed to give some things back, too. Yeah, well, I don’t do that. That’s right, people: I didn’t cure any diseases, give back any amputated limbs, instill world peace, or even give food to those who are starving. I was literally praised world-wide, and didn’t return the favor even in the least.  If anything, I allowed some more people to die and maybe even encouraged a little more war in the brown peoples’ lands.  Fuck them.

Anyway, it was a great day, and I’d like to thank you — non-monetarily, of course — for making it one of the best birthdays ever.  Except for you atheists, who can continue to FUCK YOURSELF.  I dually noticed the lack of presents of praise to Me on the best day of the year.

Merry Christmas!  And peace be with you.

Jesus or Hell

I figure since it’s still the Christmas season, I would remind you that you can either choose Me, Jesus, or Hell. It’s your choice. But to help you out just a bit, here’s a list of things you can do in order to, well, almost ensure your way into being boned by Michael the Archangel at the pearly gates.

Jesus or HellThe first and most obvious is to give Me money. I love money. You’d think as the Son of God that I would have enough, but, as My Dad says, “money don’t grow on trees, You inconsiderate twat.” I die on the cross for Him (and you) and that’s how he treats Me when I ask for allowance. Bastard. So you can give Me money in a few ways, whether it’s giving some cocksucking meth addict like Ted Haggard money or you can buy some merchandise from the Church of Jesus Fucking Christ Shop (Coming Soon).

Or, if you’re poor, GET OFF THE FUCKING COMPUTER AND DIE. Now that I have that out of My system…

Be white.  It’s as easy as that.

Be a woman.  Granted, I am a misogynist, but I need women up here to bone.  Jesus gets a little lonely every now and then.

Lastly, you could also be a hero and join the military to kill poor brown people.  As the southern Jesusland understands, there isn’t much better than the blood of a poor brown person splattering all over his innocent family.  Pure awesomeness.

So there you go.  Sure, I’m cheap and so I didn’t give you anything good like an ornament you didn’t want or lottery tickets, but maybe you can take it to heart and give Me money and kill some brown people.  Hoo-ah!

Top 10 Reasons You’re Going to Hell

If you go to one of those heathen-loving megachurches, I’m certain you’ve only been exposed to the nice parts of that grand old book My Dad wrote, the Bible. But there’s another side to the Bible that might seem evil. But don’t you worry, My Dad and I only want what’s best for you. But just to remind you that We are in charge, I’ve compiled this little list here of the top 10 reasons you’re probably going to Hell.

10. You keep thinking I perform miracles for you. I don’t. Or at least not often. And I hate it when you fuckers pray to Me, too. I’m too busy getting drunk and boning fat chicks, people. Oh, and writing on this blog.

Shrimp Flavored Crack9. You eat shrimp. Remember: eating shrimp is a sin. It smells like vagina. Disgusting.

8. You keep spending money on those fucking annoying ribbons. Believe Me, people, those little fucking ribbons aren’t doing anything. Sure, My Dad and I bless the troops. As long as they’re killing poor brown people, of course. But then there’s those seizure-inducing puzzle piece autism awareness ones. What the fuck people? If We didn’t want your kid to have autism, We wouldn’t have given it to him.

7. You fuck fat chicks. Leave this one to Me, guys; you don’t want to get stuck and suffocate or be made into pudding or anything. I’ll sacrifice Myself twice to save you from fat whores.

6. You keep canonizing saints. Who the fuck are these douchefags you keep trying to make into subdeities? I swear, someone down there learns how to piss in a toilet correctly and you go and make him a fucking saint. Were you done worshipping My Dad and I? Are We too boring for you sad, little fucks? Well don’t worry about that, then: you’ll be in Hell in no time.

5. You’re a one-issue voter, particularly anti-abortion. As if it wasn’t bad enough that I’m not against abortion, I’m going to send you to fucking Hell because you’re retarded enough to be blind to the fact that despite those holy “pro-life” Republicans having control of every American political venue for 4 years, not one abortion was stopped or restricted. Wake the fuck up, people; Republicans are just using you. Blind dipshits.

4. You menstruate. Blehhhhh…

3. You’re a flaming homosexual. Or a closet homosexual. Or just a homosexual in general. You’re going to Hell because you can’t love and therefore you shouldn’t be able to marry. Plus, if we let you marry, we’d have to let dogs and plants and negros marry, too, and that’s immoral, too. And don’t even think about raising kids, either; you’ll make them all into more flaming homosexuals, and then you’ll try to take over our awesome, Christian Earth.

2. You’re ugly and you keep fucking. Stop it. Seriously.

Drumroll, please…

Caucasian Jesus1. You depict me as anything but white. This shouldn’t be a problem for anyone in the United States for Jesus, as most crosses, artwork, and memorabilia accurately show me as caucasian. But if you should depict me as an Arab or, God forbid, a negro, you’re going to have a problem.

So you better rethink your actions or We’ll send you to Hell. No, seriously, We will. And Hell isn’t the nice place of just a little fire like you hear in the Bible. Oh, no. Satan is an avid buttfucker, and his ginormous wiener would impale even the loosest of buttholes. It won’t be pretty. So repent.

Repent

Boning One for the Team

While My Dad and I are generally against sex, there are some times where We see it as permissible. Like with hot chicks. That’s always great. And girls with big tits. Also great. But ugly and fat girls should only be boned on a need-to basis, which is usually only to keep them away from the buffet long enough so the rest of the population can eat.

Jabba The HuttWe’ve all been there. You’re out with your friends, drunk, probably high on weed and/or ecstasy (you ugly guys better thank Me for that one), and all the hot girls have vaginas that could be mistaken for window curtains made out of roast beef. But in an act of self-preservation, you need something to fuck so you don’t get blue balls. And your only non-diseased option is to boink a fat chick.

Fortunately for the fat whores I have performed yet another miracle: I magically make the guy’s dick a few feet long to get past the fat rolls. I mean, c’mon, you’re taking a risk in the first place by placing your naked body in the way of two whale-sized legs, so I gave you guys a little credit in the form of a penis extension.

And for the record, My Dad and I don’t make fat chicks. No one is created that way. And it’s not their fault, either; Satan is pumping them full of evil jizz every night. Take a look at a fat person’s asshole; it’s riddled with horny, little demons. Don’t let those doctors tell you they’re STDs, either; believe the Bible for fuck’s sake.

So the next time you see some skinny ass cracker holding the hand of a fat bitch that could be easily mistaken for a manatee, stop and thank him for his sacrifice. In Jesus My name. Amen.