Church of Jesus Fucking Christ

It’s no surprise to Me that through 2,000+ years of translations by castrated towelheads there would be many mistakes in My book. It’s been translated from Dirka to Pharoah to Negro to Esperanto and who the fuck knows what other retard languages. Eventually it ended up in English, which is exactly what I spoke back then. So while much of the Bible is literally what I said, there are still some problem spots.

The most prominent mistranslation to continue to see is the titles of the books within the Bible. And this isn’t just contained to just the New Testament, either; it’s all over the place. Let’s go through a few of the mistranslated titles and what their original contents were.

Mistranslations by Mispronunciation

Job. Most people think you say “Job” with a long “oh” sound. That’s not true. The book of Job was just a list of jobs My slutty career counselor gave Me. If you remember, I chose one that wasn’t on the list: pirate. Other possible career choices included Son of God, magician, liar, and criminal, all of which I also became.

Machabees. Just a list of fucking cool sounding words I came up with while high on meth. That one’s right up there with Ahmadinejad and Zoboomafoo.

Isiah. This was a list, also derived from drug-induced stupors, of things I said while under the influence. It’s not Isiah; it’s “I said what?” For instance, one time I was high on acid and told John the Baptist to “suck My rainbow colored cock.” Being the Son of God, he did it, which he regretted after having to take medicine for herpes for the rest of his life.

Mistranslations by Incomplete Title

Mark. This was actually entitled, “Mark My words, I’m going to fucking kill these people.” It was a hit list. Which is incomplete, as that douchebag John Travolta is still alive.

John. You guessed it: I did some of My best writing.. on the john. So this is just random bullshit I came up with while birthing niglets. I damn near wrote a dictionary’s worth trying to shat out Mike Tyson. That was one big motherfucker.

Jude. Fuck the fucking Beatles, those lyric stealing jackoffs. Some sandnigger erased the entire fucking song and replaced it with some bullshit about Michael the Archangel and Satan fighting over a whore. Or something like that. Either way, “Hey, Jude” was My fucking song.

Just Totally Fucking Wrong

Matthew. My favorite TV show was NewsRadio, and this was a list of crazy fucking things that faggoty-assed Matthew said. “No, no, kind sir, you cannot fire me for I do not work here… I did bring my resume though…” Holy fucking shit that guy was messed up.

Numbers. I don’t know how the fuck they got those stories into this book. This was just a book of fucking numbers. I’m God damned dyslexic (and retarded), and I often forget what numbers come next. Given that My own fucking book got pi wrong, that shouldn’t be much of a surprise to you.

There are many other examples, and I’m sure I will continue to periodically rant about more of them. If you happen to see a Bible, though, make sure to cross out the mistranslated titles and write in the actual ones so My sheep aren’t misguided. If you complete that task, I’ll give you 70 virgins when you get to Heaven. If I don’t teabag them beforehand.