Church of Jesus Fucking Christ

Welcome to the first Sabbath sermon! I’m glad you have all tuned in, and for that you will be awarded, as promised, with the first-ever Church of Jesus Fucking Christ Bulletin (PDF). Not only is it a record of our service, but it also serves as a guide for your spiritual evolution (not to be confused with the bullshit that is scientific evolution). Also, as a bonus, you can print it out and use it at shops, restaurants, and other organizations that give discounts for bringing in your church bulletin.

For this week’s sermon I would like to talk to you about a group of assholes that really pisses Me off: atheists. These pretentious fucks actually think that by using logic they can disprove that Me and My Father don’t exist. Give Me a fucking break! I’m right here for all the atheists to see! Look at Me prance, for fuck’s sake!

But that doesn’t seem like enough for these atheists. Guys like Richard Dawkins, Daniel C. Dennett, and Christopher Hitchens are making millions by persuading my otherwise faithful sheep into atheism by writing books of retarded circular arguments that aren’t based on the Bible. And we all know that arguments not based on the Bible are false. Retards.

I would like to end this sermon by congratulating all of you who came on the Sabbath, keeping the second or third or fifteenth or.. whatever the fuck number commandment it is. Either way, I’ll tell Michael the Archangel to put a plus by all of your names, and I’ll have him CC it over to Santa for a big fuckin’ present this Christmas. Peace be to you all (unless you’re poor, brown, a homo, or atheist, in which case I hope you get eaten by Rosie O’Donnell and shat out on Ellen Degenerate’s face).