Church of Jesus Fucking Christ

As if it wasn’t bad enough that there’s a rotting, dead body present at a funeral, it’s even worse that the eulogy is always a big fuckin’ lie. Even a cocksucking douchebag will suddenly have a life comparable to one of My saints. Or even comparable to ME, for fuck’s sake! Even My own eulogy was a scripted well… fib… that left out many of My accomplishments, and even exaggerated the ones that were cited. After I died on the cross, this is the eulogy I was given:

“Caucasian Jesus was a great man. Or God. Or son of God. What was He, exactly? I don’t know, either. But He was great.

He was great at loving. He was great at giving. He was great at giving loving. Especially to fat fucking heffers no one else would fuck. And given that His cock was infinitely enormous, He was awed by many.

He was one of the Holiest people ever to have lived on this Earth. He was a son, a brother, a pirate, a lover of many but a justifiable hater of homosexuals, babies, and blind people. And that makes Him a wonderful friend of mine.

And best of all, He was white.

May He bring His Father joy by sitting on His right teste for ever and ever. And may we also someday follow in His caucasianness and give He and His Father the praise they deserve. Amen.”

What a nice eulogy. Not too many fibs: My penis is actually infinity to the infinityth degree long, but that’s just semantics. And I don’t really hate babies.. they’re just annoying and I like letting Satan possess them so you humans can kill them. There’s no hate in that; it’s just fun and games.

I implore all of you to be more honest in your eulogies. Tell it like it is. Size of the wang and everything.