Christians, Condemn Your Toilets!
Written October 9th, 2007 by Caucasian Jesus 9 10 2007This is urgent news, My wonderful sheep: it’s imperative that you all travel to bathrooms and outhouses around this great nation and the world. When you get there, take a sledgehammer and crush the fucking toilets to death! The blood water of the toilets’ souls should cover your hands! And then you should picket all remaining places that house the evil toilets. Why such anger against toilets, you may ask? Because they are none other than porcelain gods.
These false gods must be stopped. People all around the world are praying to porcelain gods. Whether it’s after getting drunk, while knocked-up, or a mere cat or dog drinking from the toilet, anyone praying to the porcelain god must be killed immediately. If they are allowed to use the toilet, they and even you will be stricken down to the depths of Hell to be buttfucked by Satan. And jizzed on. And he’ll probably shit on your face, too. I heard a rumor that it tastes like licorice, so if it does, please let Me know.
The inevitable question, then, is what to do with the piss and shit. As Caucasian Jesus, the son of God, I would recommend drinking your piss and eating your shit. I don’t recommend this out of humor, though; My Dad actually recommends it. As the Bible says in II Kings 18:28, “But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?” Again, if it tastes like licorice, please let Me know.
So rise against the evil porcelain gods and crush them in the spirit of Me and My Dad! With every death-dealing blow, curse the toilet in the name of the Lord (Me), and piss and shit in the mouths of your Christian brethren.
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Hey Jesus, I just got back from my yearly trip to hell; His shit tastes like black licorice! I think that tastes like shit anyway, but I just thought I’d let you know!
You went from Hell and came back? Why? Just because Satan made you eat his shit? Wait a second… I thought he was only into boning guys’ asses.. I didn’t know he was doing ass-to-mouth scat porn. He’s taking Hell to a whole new level!
Yeah, he paid me to leave. I was too good at the ass-to-mouth porn and he thought I might usurp his position as ass-to-mouth porn king.
Well, shit. I guess if you ever get the chance to go back, go ahead and put a creampie in his ass. I’ll even endow you with the sperm of the burning bush, giving him the holy equivalent of an STD.