Church of Jesus Fucking Christ

Sometimes it astounds even Me how the ACLU doesn’t end up suing itself. It seems that one week they’ll be suing a school for allowing a mere prayer to Me (not that I don’t have a problem with that since those snot-nosed pukes aren’t even inventive enough to pray for anything other than world peace or so their parents don’t find their porn stash), while the next week they’re suing a school to allow a religious student to, out of all the things he could have bitched about, have long hair.

So apparently this person loves long hair. And it’s true that, in the Bible, My Dad says not to cut your hair or some shit. I guess that was during My Dad’s hippie stage. Whatever His excuse, it’s bullshit. But apparently these people decided to take it literally. It does make Me wonder, though, if he wears clothing with two different materials. Or eats shrimp. I hope not, or I’ll send him to Hell to get assraped.

Anyway, I’d also like to know how far he takes that whole not-cutting-hair thing. Sure, it’s obvious he doesn’t cut the hair on his head. And apparently he won’t cut the hair on his face, either. But what about the cock ‘n balls?

As you can see in his picture, this has been done before. And it obviously wasn’t a success. If you look really closely, you’ll actually see Amelia Earhart’s plane in the right side of the pubes. I’ve tried rescuing her multiple times over the last, oh, 70 years, but I’m afraid of getting stuck Myself. Humanity can’t afford to lose Caucasian Jesus.

So please, people, think before you read the fucking Bible. Let your honorable pastor do all of the reading for you so he can highlight the good parts. Don’t bother with that bullshit about cutting hair or planting different crops in fields, but you better not eat shrimp or love gays. And while you’re at it, give him as much money as you can. He’ll forward some on to Me, and I’ll appropriately give him luxury cars and mansions while poor, brown people starve.

Praise be to Me.