Church of Jesus Fucking Christ

Now that I have your attention, it seems many of you have the ridiculous idea that humans aren’t animals. I know perfectly well that most of you out there in Jesusland don’t believe in evolution. And I’m glad, as you’d have to be a blind, cocksucking liberal to believe in evolution. But that doesn’t mean that My Dad didn’t make you all animals.

Humanity tends to think that they’re better than animals. For instance, many are pro-hunting on those grounds. But that isn’t right; rather, you should be pro-hunting because it uses big fucking guns. And sharp objects. Or maybe you like to do it with your bare hands while nude. That’s cool, too, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Then there’s humanity’s omnivorous eating habits. Sure, We allow you to eat meat. Even though it’s merely rotting carcass. We allow you to do that since it increases your chances of getting cancer, and cancer is pretty fuckin’ cool. I mean, if you get cancer, you get all sorts of neat wigs and you get to prod your poor family members to fake run in a marathon for your benefit. And by your benefit I mean the benefit of a scientific researcher who will torture mice, rats, monkeys, and other beings in the name of science. Now that’s what I call brotherly love!

Hell, even I’m an animal. Here I am with my neat fuckin’ reptile face, my sex toy sheep, a butterfly I’ll later pluck the wings off of and laugh, and there might even be a bird or two in there I’ll give avian flu to. You humans will rue the day you misunderestimated the relationship between yourselves and nature.

Fuck, if you don’t believe Me, I’ll shoot you with My uzi. Don’t mess with Caucasian Jesus, you filthy motherfuckers.

So be nice to your animal friends. Show them some love, even if that means you’re a disgusting pervert addicted to bestiality. At least that’s better than pulling a Vick and torturing poor animals. Unless it’s for science, that is, in which case that’s still perfectly fine.