Church of Jesus Fucking Christ

You know, the threat of sending someone to Hell has really lost its deterrent value. Back in the old days, people did this thing called “fear God,” which was widely understood that if you pissed off Me or My Dad, we would do bad things to you. Just take a look at the Old Testament: you’ll see lots of neat things like swarms of locusts, killing firstborns, and slavery. But the good days are all gone, and We have to find new ways to torment the sinners.

I suggested, and My Dad agreed, that We should start raping your mouths. While the threat of eternal fire hasn’t served as a deterrent, people, sans sluts, take pride in the health of their mouth. So, for instance, you would be risking blowing cum out of your nose for a month should you blaspheme My name. Having a jizzy nose is much more embarrassing than that ridiculous eternal fire idea.

In order to test the idea, My Dad and I found this cat blaspheming My name. We impaled the son of a bitch with a ginormous wiener. Afterwards, its mouth looked like a vagina that was hit with a meat tenderizer. Just for shits and giggles We also impaled its anus. It just didn’t have the same effect as the cock to the mouth.

So before getting pissed off and spewing some blasphemous remarks about My Dad and I, think about what your mouth will look like after We ravage it with a huge dick. You might cough up sperm for a month, shit out piss-filled diarrhea for a year (see: people afflicted with Crohn’s), or, hell, We might impregnate your mouth with insects. But whatever We decide for your fate, it will be infinitely worse than just some fire. No, We’ll teabag your forehead and then rape your mouth.