God Loves Fred Phelps
Written October 22nd, 2007 by Caucasian Jesus 22 10 2007Contrary to popular belief, My Dad and I love Fred Phelps. And not because of that “love thy neighbor” or “love thy enemy” bullshit, either; we love him because he’s a funny son of a bitch who’s taking a lot of slack for merely preaching Our Word. And you can be certain he will have a place in Heaven on My Dad’s right testicle.
Or… maybe His left. I sold My Dad’s right testicle to a crackwhore to be able to snort a line of coke out of her asshole. Steep price, I know, but it was well worth the great stench of black slut.
Anyway, We love Fred Phelps. I don’t think he’s even a real person, but we love him. He sends his church family out to the funerals of soldiers and protests with signs like “God hates fag enablers,” “God hates fags,” and “Pray for more soldier deaths.” Even though I support this war against brown people for oil against terror, that’s some great shit. Usually I would be pissed for someone to protest the totally justified contract killers heroes, but they really are fag enablers, and for that they will be buttfucked in Hell.
When ole Freddie dies, certainly there will be a large protest from those pro-faggot groups, hippie liberals, and Islamofacist sympathizers (oh, those are all redundant, aren’t they?), but truly he has a place in the Lord’s heart. Praise be to Me, but give Freddie a lot of credit: he’s put a lot of smiles on faces, including Mine.
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One must wonder if Your Dad has any testicles at all, considering His fairy-like hiding in the clouds rather than “revealing” Himself to His
minions of darknessbitchessheepbeautiful creations.He just doesn’t want to make all of you sheep jealous of His massive fuck stick. Can’t blame Him for that.
I thought He created us in His image…Jesus Fucking Christ Your Dad is a goddamn cheap
Sondivineholyhole impregnator of a bitch!Afterthought: I wonder if Your Dad split
that virgin bitchYour mom in half with His massive cock then fixed her so she could carry on with her womanly duties, like being impure, enslaved, and periodicallystonedmade love to…That’s a fair question, but one you’re only half right on. After the “big bang” (i.e. when My Dad fucked the shit out of My mom), she did indeed do as He intended: swallowed any dignity she had and became subservient to that pothead carpenter of a stepdad. What you failed to include, however, was when My whore of a mother entered a Girls Gone Wild contest and gave cunnilingus on camera. The problem with this is that they were underage (obviously, since she had Me when she was like 14 or 16). So God punished her and all women by giving them vaginas that smell like shrimp.