Jesus-Assisted Suicide
Written November 2nd, 2007 by Caucasian Jesus 2 11 2007With every pronouncement of My Dad and I performing some miracle to save your lives, I get a little bit closer to punching Myself in the face. I’ve said in a past blog post that I find abortion neat, and if We really liked kids, We would abort a lot less of them Ourselves. Likewise, the same situation occurs with suicides: if We really wanted those sad, depressed attention-wanting whores, We would certainly try harder to deter them from doing so. But We don’t, and one reason for that is because We find suicide hilarious.
I don’t know what the fuck My retarded sheep are thinking when they rally against assisted suicide. While I prefer the people to do it themselves (it’s pretty funny to watch one of those pricks bumble around trying to shoot himself in the head with a shotgun using his toe), I don’t see anything wrong with it. If I did, I would perform one of those blasted miracles I’m so often given credit for. But I don’t.
In fact, I covertly encourage them while they decide to do it. “Pssst… hey you… This is Caucasian Jesus… you’re insane. Don’t believe Me? Fucking Jesus is talking to you right now. And I’m cussing. So masturbate on a picture of your loved ones and then pull the trigger, you pussy.” I’m at about a 72% success rate. The other 28% turn into evangelical fucking Christians. Pussies.
By the way, you should see the looks on the faces of the loved ones whose family member masturbated on their pictures. I just do that to play with them. Might as well get some use out of those depressed bastards.
So since I’m pro-suicide, where do the suicidees go once they’re dead? Well, that’s kind of difficult to answer. They don’t go to Heaven since I don’t want them getting some action from My virgins. Especially since most of them come up here with holes in their faces or some shit. Pretty gross. But they also don’t go to Hell; Satan doesn’t like fucking things that are bleeding all over the place. So those who commit suicides, along with women who die while on their periods, are sent to the equivalent to an afterlife outhouse. Figure that one out.
A-fuckin’-men.
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Do You have a hand in emo kids’ suicidality or are they just being little annoying pricks?
I encourage them to commit suicide not because it’s funny but because it’s a necessity for society. Plus, they’re all closet homosexuals, so it’s sort of like a two-for-one special.