Natural Disasters and My Dad’s Will
Written November 12th, 2007 by Caucasian Jesus 12 11 2007Christians often forget that when natural disasters happen, My Dad and I have chosen not to intervene. Sometimes we’re looking the other way, busy doing other things.. like whores, or maybe we’re even taking part in the disaster. Those are My favorite. And as much as you want to say that Greek myths are just myths, there’s a lot of truth to some of their explanations for natural disasters.
Tsunamis, for instance, have abso-fucking-lutely nothing to do with plate tectonics. Hell, there is no such thing as plate tectonics since My Dad made the Earth exactly like it is 6,000 or so years ago. Instead, tsunamis are made very similarly to when you’re sitting in a bathtub and you burst out a massive fart. The only difference is that it’s Me farting, and that means a fart with literally the firepower of tons of TNT. Fortunately, for you, without the stink.
There’s also the recent fires in California. They weren’t made by some douche-fag 10 year old out to smoke some marijuana out of a tree trunk; that was actually Me getting Arnold back for being a shitty actor and harboring Mexicans in My beloved Jesusland.
Volcanoes are just bigger versions of acne. So I’m standing in front of My platinum-backed mirror, and I’m squeezing the shit out of a blackhead. Next thing you know I’m getting prayers all over the fucking place about saving people from being burned to death. I have an easy solution: GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE VOLCANO.
And then there’s earthquakes. As you remember, there’s no such thing as plate tectonics. But, if you’re a wonderful, good-hearted Christian who reads this site often, you’ll know that I bone fat chicks so you don’t have to. Earthquakes happen when I’m really delving My dick into a really fat hoe, and we’re really getting the romp on. It might be counterintuitive, but it’s not actually Me who’s making the Earth shake; it’s the slut. I like to be on bottom.
So there you go, folks. You can stop spending money on libtard scientists who spew bullshit, and instead just hand it over to Me. Maybe then I’ll take more notice before I go starting fires and boning fat chicks.
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I’m not looking for an explanation of the “natural” (or JFC-made, as the truth be known) disasters, but along the lines of your volcano-prayers: can you explain why people keep going back and rebuilding after the last tornado/flood/hurricane just tore apart all their $#it - again - just like last year? Fscking MOVE for JFC’s sake!
BTW, love the laser beam eyes. Where can I get a pair?
The reason those people going back are because they’re brown, and going back and having the same fucking shit happen to them again lets them continue in their self-inflicted role of the victim, which is easier than taking responsibility for their own actions. Oh, and gays, too. And those fucking atheists.
Those actually aren’t laser eyes but a pair of China-made glasses that emit concentrated lead. But it doesn’t rip through you like an I-beam, but just sort of somehow catches you on fire. Those funny slant-eyes.
Dude. Where can I score a pair of Chinese lead-laced peepers?! I need some for my kids. Are they lead, lead-painted, or lead-flavored? Peppermint-flavor lead paint would be ideal.