Church of Jesus Fucking Christ

So I’m bored as fuck this morning doing My usual Monday: reading the oodles of prayers and then laughing as I wipe My ass with them, masturbate to the deaths of kittens, and, perhaps most importantly, reading some daily news sites from Jesusland. I came across an article that was teased as, “Wedding Ring Saves Life!” Naturally, I found it intriguing enough to read. However, I damn near shat My robe when I read this line: “She said she gives God all the credit.” Oh, fuck Me.

If you actually take the time to read the story, you’ll be largely disappointed. Here’s a quick overview: guy works at place, guys (who I’m sure are blacks) pull out gun and shoot guy. The bullet rips through two fingers, deflects off of the wedding ring, and lands in the guy’s neck. Sure, he survived, but I forgot which part of the fucking story they’re giving My Dad credit for. After all, the guy has holes in two fucking fingers and a BULLET IN HIS NECK.

(And, for the record, I know My Dad didn’t perform a miracle in this case; he was out with Me last night getting stoned at a strip joint reading the Bible.)

If My Dad and/or I was going to perform a miracle in this case, I’d tell you a few points at which the miracle would have occurred:

• Before the robbers came in the door.
• Before the robbers pulled out the gun.
• Before the robbers pulled the trigger.
• Before the bullets ripped through his fingers.
• Before the bullet got lodged in his neck.

Now, see, that wasn’t that hard, was it? We didn’t have a God damn shit to do with it. Quit falsely attributing this half-assed good shit to My Dad and I. Unless attributing it means you’re going to donate more to Us, in which case We absolutely did perform a miracle and saved the old pencil-dick’s life. Wink wink.