Church of Jesus Fucking Christ

As the smells of Christmas (fuck your “holiday” shit, atheists) emanate throughout the air, some will wait until the last minute to buy their heartless-and-yet-overpriced gifts for their friends and family members. Since I’m such a nice guy, I put together a short list of things I recommend you purchase should you still need a few gifts.

First, something you should not buy: a Bible. It’s likely they already have one, haven’t read it, won’t read it, and that’s how I want to keep it. The less you fucks understand what’s actually in the Bible, the better My Dad and I look. And looks is what it’s all about. ::wink::

My first recommendation is the brand new Jesus Phone. Move over iPhone, Chocolate, Voyager, and whatever other rice-burning shit is out there; the Jesus phone is on the market, and it’s here to rapture the shit out of your other phones.  Not only is it a cellular phone, but it also serves as an alarm clock that spews out conveniently nice passages in the Bible.  It’s kid friendly, too.  Oh, and the wings of the cross can detach and be used as a container for dildos, tampons, or more money.  This beautiful gift comes at a price tag of $399.99 with a lifetime contract.  Additional donation to Jesus is expected.

But let’s not stop there.  While the phone is obviously one of the hottest gifts you can give someone (outside of an STD), there are plenty of other things you can give them, too.  Like money.  Ok, you’re right: you don’t want to give them money.  So just write the check to Me, instead, and then write in their card that you gave money to Jesus in their name.  As an added bonus, any money that comes in to Me will be used to help the poor.  Or some shit.  Ok, maybe not, but it sounds nice.

Let’s see… what else can you give people you hate.  Ah, I got one that’s free: go to a Catholic service, take communion, and instead of eating the host, just stick it in your pocket and walk out.  If you’re feeling especially ballsy, take out a thermos and pour some wine in there.  Then you can give it to your Catholic cannibal friends as My body and blood.  If they look ungrateful, remind them that they believe it’s the literal body and blood of Me, and that’s the greatest gift in the world.   And then punch them in the nads.

So I hope I’ve helped you with your Christmas shopping.  Peace be with you and all that jazz.  Oh, and make the check out to “Caucasian Jesus,” please.