Church of Jesus Fucking Christ

A lot of people think My Dad and I consider abortion immoral. They think so on grounds that the Ten or So Commandments say, “Thou shalt not kill” or some bullshit. But those people are sadly mistaken. In fact, I’m not sure how they can even rationalize that We are anti-abortion after all of the sadistic shit We do to you humans.

There’s the obvious problem of miscarriages. “Miscarriage” is a nice name for “Jesus-induced abortion.” Feel free to pass that around. If My Dad and I really wanted you to have little fucks running around screaming and crying, We would certainly perform less Jesus-induced abortions. Instead, We abort, oh, somewhere around 80% of all pregnancies, most of which you whores don’t even know about. We’re trying to prolong your hotness, but some of you whores are damn near prodigious with the amount of abuse your vaginas take. Jesus Fucking Christ.

Then there’s also the problem of the success of abortion clinics. You don’t exactly see abortion clinics spontaneously blow up or get struck by lightning or tornadoes. But oddly enough, We do let churches catch on fire quite easily. Figure that one out.

But, honestly, We really do like abortions; it gets rid of a lot of brown people. And all of us Christians, especially in the South, know that brown people are fucking drains on society. The more abortions they have, the less welfare is handed out by those fucking Democrats. And that means more money in my your my pocket.

Praise the Lord, hallelujah, give me $500!

While My Dad and I are generally against sex, there are some times where We see it as permissible. Like with hot chicks. That’s always great. And girls with big tits. Also great. But ugly and fat girls should only be boned on a need-to basis, which is usually only to keep them away from the buffet long enough so the rest of the population can eat.

We’ve all been there. You’re out with your friends, drunk, probably high on weed and/or ecstasy (you ugly guys better thank Me for that one), and all the hot girls have vaginas that could be mistaken for window curtains made out of roast beef. But in an act of self-preservation, you need something to fuck so you don’t get blue balls. And your only non-diseased option is to boink a fat chick.

Fortunately for the fat whores I have performed yet another miracle: I magically make the guy’s dick a few feet long to get past the fat rolls. I mean, c’mon, you’re taking a risk in the first place by placing your naked body in the way of two whale-sized legs, so I gave you guys a little credit in the form of a penis extension.

And for the record, My Dad and I don’t make fat chicks. No one is created that way. And it’s not their fault, either; Satan is pumping them full of evil jizz every night. Take a look at a fat person’s asshole; it’s riddled with horny, little demons. Don’t let those doctors tell you they’re STDs, either; believe the Bible for fuck’s sake.

So the next time you see some skinny ass cracker holding the hand of a fat bitch that could be easily mistaken for a manatee, stop and thank him for his sacrifice. In Jesus My name. Amen.

There seems to be many people speaking out against Britney Spears lately. Now I won’t defend her performance; obviously Lucifer gave her a big shot of lethargy before the concert. But others are wrongly accusing her of being fat. And even worse, they’re citing the old case of the bigger-smaller-bigger-smaller-bigger-bigger-smaller breast sizes. Guess what people: that was a practical joke by Me. I may hate vaginas, but tits are sweet.

Despite many of my sheep banning supposed sex symbols like Britney, Lindsey, and Janet Jackson (ew, what the Hell were you people thinking?), they aren’t the ones you need to worry about. Instead, I believe this fellow below is the biggest threat:

Yes, that’s right: Chuck Norris. Obviously that man is a sex symbol. Those rippling muscles, tight pants, hairy chest, and look how the shirt unambiguously leads to his wanker. Not to mention his phallic-like haircut. What a disgusting pig. Even worse are those Chuck Norris facts, some of which say things about ME!

So come together, protest Chuck Norris, and give Me money. Especially the last one. Amen.

Those fucks over at God Hates Shrimp think they’re being funny by coming out to My sheep’s protests against homo marriages. What they don’t realize is that despite their horrid attempt at wit and satire, I truly hate shrimp. Know why? They smell like vaginas.

And, in case you don’t remember, I don’t like vaginas. Not only do they smell like shrimp, but they don’t look all that aesthetically pleasing, either. Much like a retarded clam, really. That’s why My Dad and I have demanded Our minions sheep encourage abstinence. We don’t want anyone getting too close to one of those nasty, little things and losing a finger.

Despite the Bible’s depiction of My birth, My Mom didn’t even have a vagina. I was actually born from her ass. “Gross,” you might say, but at least I didn’t come out smelling like rotting seafood.

So here’s a big FUCK YOU to all of you pro-homo God Hates Shrimp pricks. And stay away from vaginas.