If you go to one of those heathen-loving megachurches, I’m certain you’ve only been exposed to the nice parts of that grand old book My Dad wrote, the Bible. But there’s another side to the Bible that might seem evil. But don’t you worry, My Dad and I only want what’s best for you. But just to remind you that We are in charge, I’ve compiled this little list here of the top 10 reasons you’re probably going to Hell.
10. You keep thinking I perform miracles for you. I don’t. Or at least not often. And I hate it when you fuckers pray to Me, too. I’m too busy getting drunk and boning fat chicks, people. Oh, and writing on this blog.
9. You eat shrimp. Remember: eating shrimp is a sin. It smells like vagina. Disgusting.
8. You keep spending money on those fucking annoying ribbons. Believe Me, people, those little fucking ribbons aren’t doing anything. Sure, My Dad and I bless the troops. As long as they’re killing poor brown people, of course. But then there’s those seizure-inducing puzzle piece autism awareness ones. What the fuck people? If We didn’t want your kid to have autism, We wouldn’t have given it to him.
7. You fuck fat chicks. Leave this one to Me, guys; you don’t want to get stuck and suffocate or be made into pudding or anything. I’ll sacrifice Myself twice to save you from fat whores.
6. You keep canonizing saints. Who the fuck are these douchefags you keep trying to make into subdeities? I swear, someone down there learns how to piss in a toilet correctly and you go and make him a fucking saint. Were you done worshipping My Dad and I? Are We too boring for you sad, little fucks? Well don’t worry about that, then: you’ll be in Hell in no time.
5. You’re a one-issue voter, particularly anti-abortion. As if it wasn’t bad enough that I’m not against abortion, I’m going to send you to fucking Hell because you’re retarded enough to be blind to the fact that despite those holy “pro-life” Republicans having control of every American political venue for 4 years, not one abortion was stopped or restricted. Wake the fuck up, people; Republicans are just using you. Blind dipshits.
4. You menstruate. Blehhhhh…
3. You’re a flaming homosexual. Or a closet homosexual. Or just a homosexual in general. You’re going to Hell because you can’t love and therefore you shouldn’t be able to marry. Plus, if we let you marry, we’d have to let dogs and plants and negros marry, too, and that’s immoral, too. And don’t even think about raising kids, either; you’ll make them all into more flaming homosexuals, and then you’ll try to take over our awesome, Christian Earth.
2. You’re ugly and you keep fucking. Stop it. Seriously.
1. You depict me as anything but white. This shouldn’t be a problem for anyone in the United States for Jesus, as most crosses, artwork, and memorabilia accurately show me as caucasian. But if you should depict me as an Arab or, God forbid, a negro, you’re going to have a problem.
So you better rethink your actions or We’ll send you to Hell. No, seriously, We will. And Hell isn’t the nice place of just a little fire like you hear in the Bible. Oh, no. Satan is an avid buttfucker, and his ginormous wiener would impale even the loosest of buttholes. It won’t be pretty. So repent.