After writing My Christmas gift recommendations last night, I took a look at a couple heathen atheist sites. Since My birthday is largely commercialized now, they pretty much all asked the question, “What would Jesus buy?” Well, you pretentious pricks, I’ve come up with a list of things I want for My birthday. I would buy them for Myself, but since I’m the Son of fucking God, I deserve at least a few birthday presents.
The first thing on My list is a new JESUS-BOX 360. I got one last year from Moses, but then some little poor kid broke it. That fucker.
But you can’t just get Me one gift. Remember: I’m the Son of God. If it’s My wish, I can like kill you ‘n stuff. So treat Me well. …by buying Me more things.
Like a Lexus. While driving around in My modified Popemobile, I always see Lexuses with Jesusfish on them. I think that’s sort of like the gift card: they’re saying, “Jesus, this is yours if you want it!” Well I do want it, so get out of My fucking Lexus, you smelly bitch. And you can keep the Jesusfish. I would rather none of you know when I’m stopping off at the porno shop.
If it wasn’t My birthday, I’d probably also build a brand new, beautiful church. You know, not those tin-roofed ones you see in ButtFuckEgypt, but one of those grand, stone-walled churches with stained-glass windows, a gold-plated statue of Me on top, and stadium-style seating. That’s what I’m talking about, motherfucker. Don’t go cheap on Me, now. I want the good shit.
So go out and buy, buy, buy, My faithful sheep. Contrary to popular belief, it isn’t the thought that counts; it’s the price. So make sure you include your receipts.