Apparently when those dirkas were translating the Bible, they forgot a crucial part of the laws handed down by My Dad. He didn’t give just two stone tablets to Moses; there was also a napkin with additional commandments and addendums. Since the big-nosed Jews were too cheap to buy toilet paper on their trek across the desert, it wouldn’t surprise Me if they used the napkin for, well, unintended purposes. Fortunately I have a great memory and will share with you the contents verbatim.
First let Me go over the first ten in the original message. Not that archaic bullshit you read in the Bible.
- I am your fucking God. Don’t listen to those other pricks who say they’re Me or are equal to Me. And don’t be a pretentious asshole by creating your own gods.
- Don’t cuss with my name. Dickheads.
- Remember the fucking Sabbath. And if you ever forget this one, I’ll know because I have Google Analytics.
- Honor your mom and dad. Read into this one: MOM and DAD. Not DAD and DAD. Not MOM and MOM. Unless mom and mom are hot.
- Don’t murder. Unless they’re poor, brown, a homosexual, atheist, or if you can gain money or property, especially oil, from killing them.
- Don’t fuck around with other people. Unless they’re really hot and clean. And even the clean part is dependent on the hotness.
- Don’t steal My shit. I don’t care if you steal other people’s shit.
- Don’t lie. Unless it’s beneficial. Or fun.
- Don’t want your neighbor’s house. Want a house better than your neighbor.
- And don’t want your neighbor’s wife. You can use her sexually, just don’t want to stick around afterwards. Get the fuck out of there before your neighbor gets back.
So there’s the ten. But, as you’ll remember, there are additional commandments and addendums. So here we go:
- Don’t be a faggot. And don’t even think about gay sex. I said don’t. Stop it. You’re thinking about it. Fucking disgusting.
- The commandments may be foregone if the action is against a person who is poor, brown, homosexual, atheist, or just a complete douchebag.
- Asian women are hot. Ok, so it’s not a rule, but it’s a good piece of advice. Ok, it’s not advice, either. It’s just My preference. But I’m Jesus, so you should follow it like it’s a commandment.
- Stay away from vaginas that smell like armpits. Seriously, you’ll get rugburn or something worse.
There are more, but I’m pretty drunk and horny. I’m going to go break a few commandments and get back to you on the rest. Remember: do as I do or do as I.. shit.. ah, fuck it, live in the now and fuck anything with a wet orifice.