Well I obviously haven’t written in a while, and I swear I have a good reason for it: I’ve been helping those poor folks over in Shine-a after My Dad sharted and an earthquake rattled the shit out of them. Really, it took me a few days to realize they had even been hit; My Dad and I laughed our fucking heads off at the sound of that thing. Best. Fart. Ever.
Despite being on the front line and trying to pull people out of the rubble, none of them seem to see Me through their squinty chink eyes. Makes Me feel sad, but that’s what they get for rubbing Buddha’s stomach for good luck. Or an orgasm. Or whatever they rub him for.
We do regret the destruction, though. Ever since it happened I haven’t been able to find a good plate of General Tso’s “Chicken”/dog. That shit hits the spot.
So you can thank spicy Mexican food for the Chinese earthquake. Next Thursday We’re having Polish food, so you better be ready.
Also, look for some upcoming cyclones after We eat bad Russian food. Gives Us both diarrhea. And just in case you guys have any rain with a reddish tint, that’s just My Mom’s cooch still bleeding from being raped by My Dad. Just kidding: she’s still a virgin!